never have i ever felt this FUCKED UP before in my entire life. ever. never ever. i never want this again.

pros vs cons and all i can think about is what i'm seeingggggggggggggggggggggg ahgh. ghfdsjkgfd. gfhsjgkfhgkjsfd. fhgjkfhjgshkgjs. my parents think i'm crazy. i think that's because i'm a little crazy or something. i don't know. i feel weird and sick and all i want to do is sleep... really. i'm moving out of my apartment soon and out of my building i can'ttt anymore. you know? i don't. i work in a couple hours and i know the entire time i won't know what's really going on. great. whopps. i want to see ---- ------. i don't know why i'm blocking that name out but i don't know i'm gunna. the past week has been a weird blur. i have a bad feeeeeling oh maaaan i have a bad feeling. it's so beautiful outside today i went on a lonnnnng drive with an iced soy latte and minus the bear in the speakers of my car and i felt a little bit better. sometimes i can't help it but already hate everyone i meet... and despise the people that are already here. ugh. don't act like you're the first one to do everything that you DO. COMMON. i am too angry and i think i'm starting to realize it. good thing i get to leave in a couple weeks. all i want to do is puke right now but that's the laaaaast thing i want to do. i could drink gallons of water if only i could care enough to open my mouth. fuck being lethargic or electric or charismatic and fuck thinking about actions or words - especially - pretty much ONLY your own. wish i could stop hating so heavily but why'd i do that? who's here to prove me wrong. i need someone (something) to kind of you know for once PROVE IT TO ME.

i wonder what it's like to be sorta normal... like chongo normal. like go about your daily life with no real second thought or expression and fall back into some university degree and end up in an office with a family and a nice house and children and a spouse you may or may not completely hate. that kind of life would drive me crazy and i think that's why for me it's always been about being a little bit off track.


everything and nothing all at once, that's always been my problem. god damn get it in your head. get it outta your heaaaaaad!


blah blah blah i don't care about any of this really.