the people who you know understand you will probably be the ones to understand best and you gotta keep that in mind. my world is weird. my mind is weird. i look at things as if they aren't what they actually are... they're already different as soon as i open my eyes. whenever i open my eyes. if you can understand that. i remember the eyes of every person that has meant something to me like that. you know? i remember looking in their eyes, and i remember being able to tell things just from that. at least think i could tell things. few and far between, there have been few and far between. so close to nobody has meant nothing to me. nobody has meant anything it seems like. or maybe it's the other way around - maybe i didn't ever really mean anything? i don't know, now i'm confusing myself. and i guess in a way kind of scaring myself mixed with kind of making myself feel better in the sense that if i've never meant anything then i don't have to do anything. you know? i like what i see and i like what i hear. i like when i laugh and i like how you talk. don't mean anything, that's the key supposedly. i am in a weird state. 10:00 on a wednesday night, finishing a pilsner and waiting for some of the only boys who actually get it to come over and cure me out of this state of ... whatever this is.

she just keeps telling me things things i don't wanna hear

todaaaaaaaaaay i woke up then danny came over theeeeeeeeen we got breakfast/lunch then just did nothing for a couple hours. haha that's pretty much my life every day. kim and i went shopping after, it was good. i got some dresses and shiiiit for work. travelling to the far northeast is weird.
i love blakroc. i love blakrocccccccccc.
rob is my life coach in most matters.
tomorrow is already new years, that blows my mind. i am stoked for set up and the entire night at republik for some reason. i like dressing up sometimes.. especially for work.


"pure heart. you're super cool, you're live and elemental, you're sweet and you're true you're sooo true. you're plain and yet so special it's nuttin' like you. you're so cool you're sweet and rude you're so plain that it's special it's nuttin' like you. well awwww hooo."

i think i am starting to actually realize...

that i have a pretty fucking great life.









that is all.

- this morning i woke up then 30 seconds later kim and sarah were in my bed. so good.
- i also woke up feeling... i don't know. confused about last night/100% uncertain but now i'm good again. i'm good.
- today danny and i accomplished so many things, including getting vegan chinese food. so good.
- i like not working days because i can wake up and get shit done... not just sit bored at work and waste days.
- drinking is fun... but i'm not so down for it anymore it seems like. not as often at least.
- i miss joe catalano and his ridiculousness.
- tonight kara keith is playing republik... so that'll be good.
- i'm super closed off super not trusting when it comes to most people... and that's why when i pretty much automatically trust someone it catches me SO off guard. i am SO caught off guard.
- i am legitimately so exhausted today after last night and not enough sleep. i'm gunna be loopy tonight at work.
- r e d b u l l
- chrissys coming over... stoked

"we could be good"

tonight was weird. i was weird. i don't get it.
mmm. i don't know.
i'm baked as fuck in my bed, sarah's sleepin' in the other room.
i can't fall asleep before 5 because of my job. im bored.
i just... don't get it. haha. unfair.
yeah. things are bizzare.

want/wish/now/then/thoughts/you know:

- fur blankets are the best thing. ever. period.
- distance sucks. i'm frustrated. i guess.
- i wish i had things to cover my walls in my living room with... the walls are so tall in this room.
- to do: go poster shopping.
- where is kyle, blake and kurbz i wonder? finding a parking spot. where are you.
- dan is the best boss. lets me off early and buys me beer on my birthday. talks to me about the future.
- etta james.
- i wish i could just hang out with kelly and kira already!

ahh

i just watched 500 days of summer. holy fuck ruin my life more... it's a really good movie but.... :(

today sarah and i went for lunch, then went to bridgeland, then went for coffee with kim. good day. tonight i work!

damn boyyyyieieieieee

it's my birthdaaaay! i don't really care about my birthday... but i guess it's sweet anyway in it's own way because i went out for birthday lunch with my entire family then went shopping and got birthday discounts/free things! aka dear group seven... thank you for treating me way better than i deserve, you guys are actually the best.
actually now that i think about it my day has been really good. woke up grumpy for no reason, but then danny stopped by and put me in such a good mood! then i got delicious korean food with my family! then went shopping, only ended up going to group. then went home, now i'm home, lenny and declan just stopped by! and then tonight i work which kiiiind of sucks but whatever because my job is sweet.
ALSO tomorrow i get sarah pester!! and then monday is me and kims birthday party at the hop! which will be suuuch a good night, i can feel it.
yay friends yay family yay clothes yay life. ... basically.

ahaha just because i can picture him saying it to me irl

oh btw

Glencoe
i guesse your cristmas wish didnt come true eh
8:44pmKathleen
ahah what christmas wish!
8:44pmGlencoe
that id be there with nothin but a bow of course
8:44pmKathleen
ahahahhaha

ahahahahahahahahahah fuuuuck, glencoe. ahahahahaha

augh

i am so exhausted... i just got back to my parents from my sisters place where i ate so much sugar and drank too much espresso. now i am so hyper but so tired and just so confused. they own the best dog, and were babysitting another dog. fuck i love dogs. whenever i'm around dogs i just get so distracted and only pay attention to paying attention to them, haha. i'll be stoked when i'm settled enough/ballin' enough to get my own dog. my own dog named danzig. perfect! i want jersey shore to be on soon.
this afternoon sean and danny ended up coming over and keeping me company for a while. we played the squirrel game... got baked... got coffee. good afternoon, i like those boys.
christmas eve is strange! tomorrow i'm stoked for more family and christmas bake with geoff because our parents houses are literally 5 blocks from each other. family + family you choose! i love them all.

I HATE WAITING AND SKETCHY PEOPLE. COMMON. REALLLLY.

ALSO...

babe and a haaaaaaallllllf hoolllaaaaa
alex pettyfer you are a beautiful man.

i hate fucking waiting, i am so impatient. last night i got home from work at about 3:30am, then mikhalia and i got super baked and did what we do best - sat in her apartment and talked but mostly just laughed. woke up really early after going to bed at about 6... now i don't understand what's happening. sleep deprivation is fucked. today is chirstmas eve day which means i have hella amounts of shit to do before about 2... fuck. i hate waiting for things aughughg. i am complaining, i don't care.

my mind has switched over to only really wanting to watch mob movies.. so that's what i do when i'm at home. i feel pretty good about it.

streeeeeeeessssin' me o u t

there's nothing you can do

fuuuck, person appreciation - fafi. have allllways been into her and pretty much everything she touches.









also... i miss old married to the mob - nothing from the past year and a half - two years-ish has really caught my eye - most of it seems sort of played out/boring/just not appealing... design quality has seriously been lacking. they've always been one of my favourite brands - especially fall/winter 2007 - but i just can't get into it as much anymore. their classic designs every season are still good... but that's because they're well... classics. been around for a while. commmon..

get back to...

i got a stone where my heart should be

my day so far -

things on my mind:

- buddah's veggie on saturday... fuck finally yes.
- glassy eyed drunk people everywhere = makes you not want to drink
- dave, aj and chad are actually the loves of my life.. aka my family that's not my family.
- i wish i could be lazy in the hut today rather than in my apartment... just sayin'
- messy hair is almost always better than not messy hair
- my apartment building makes weird sounds, haha
- chongos are dumb and loud. that is all.
- i really, really, REALLY want to go clothes shopping/shopping in general. me in the mood to spend money isn't a good thing.
- get money, get paid.

morning

one step, out of the blue. big blue. that's the big blue. most of the time the problem is i can't figure out if i thought clearer then vs. now. if i think clearer on or off. here or there. asleep or awake. and most of the time i sit in my apartment and find myself looking in the face of however much continuity is left around me - between the people, and the ways of these people, and the weather, and myself... and families... and cliques... and movies and animals and beggars can't be choosers. on and on. what i would give to have some illicitness in your life. such - bang bang you shot me dead.. so take my hands for granted? all i know is what i know and all you know is what you know and us together is just a sum of parts and what we think we know. the floors in my house are slanted, the times in my day are already slated. i am busy by choice and instead of making me tired it makes me that much more awake.

"follow this: give her the gift of missing you"

- hearing kim's voice is good... and needed. even if it's just over the phone. why are you so far?
- why do i get drunk and get too festive and cover my apartment in tinsel?
- snowy journeys with your (my) drug dealer
- sweatshirts
- good looking hippes (hippie)
- variety
- actually always answering my phone for once
- republik opening night tomorrow! work work work
- also, skish and kala are home tomorrow!
- texts with kelly and kira
- frozen thin crust pizza
- wake up, think about you.

TINSEL EVERYWHERE!

tonight i went to a christmas party at my sisters house! which was good. sat around and talked and drank whiskey sours for the better part of a few hours. also best news ever, my sister got engaged to her long time boyfriend matt! ahhhhhhhhhhh! i am actually so excited for them and for the wedding! which! by the way, will most likely be in the maritimes! so great. so happy.

for the past hour since i've been home i've been doing buckets, wrapping chritmas presents and making christmas crafts. its midnight. i should maybe go to bed soon? maybe. work tomorrow. then non stop busiest next two weeks of my life starting tomorrow.

i am so excited my sister is home and will be until the 2nd. soooo happpppy

this is not an exit

There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil,
all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. I fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself, no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any of this. This confession has meant nothing...

best text in my inbox from last night: "im to drunk and this is my place the whip hut crew life" ahahahahahah best person

yesterday i went to the boys' house at like 5, so early.. hung out with a bunch of boys for a few hours (actually the story of my life), then the show happened there, which was good. then me mikhalia lenny bob brodie and declan decided to head to the drum for some drinks. it was so busy, i haven't seen it like that in so long. so great to see people i haven't seen in what feels like months, but has only been a few weeks! after the drum we went to mikhalias place... made pizza and smoked weed till 5 am. i don't even know how i managed to get downstairs into my apartment into my bed haha. i am so stoked that it's the holiday season because all those people i love that go away for school/to live elsewhere come home! sooo stoked to see my buds!
today i have to christmas shop... i HAVE to. then i'm going to go to republik at 7. then who knows?!
i wish i could go to edmonton tonight! I WANT PADNAMADIS.

also..

GET MONEY, GET PAID

wha wha whhaaaammobile

piles of movies, baby blue grey floor, ceiling fan(s). mattress in the corners, bring your own, i can't remember if anyone could hear what you were saying, and i don't know if i want them to know it or not. who am i kidding, you're far but it's okay. not like the first... that baby baby baby that i couldn't get enough of. tricked me for days into some daze that i've thought i climbed out of many times. i still remember the afternoon i went over to that one, that baby baby baby, in an apartment that wasn't ours. melted into foreign sheets and held your hands, traced your eyes with mine, talked things that normally aren't said out loud by either of us... you know. the usual. cocktails after with a girl i miss at a downtown hotel bar. the feeling i got being back with you, the feeling i got when i knew it was done. and now i'm left, i've been left so alone with strangers trying to pry and strangers trying to know me and make me trust them and i can't. just can't. years now, but not that long. worthless months i've spent with individual sweethearts who made me laugh and sure, maybe held on for a while... but all this time i know and you know i've been alone. fly to a different world that remains within our world, just an arm's stretch almost out of reach that sometimes i'm lucky to be in. this sounds like an ode to a long lost love but really it's not, it's more just memories that i'll always be fond of, and fond of the fact that i'm new again and have found something new again because all you really need sometimes is something that slaps you across your face and makes you think more and breath more and maybe sleep a little less, but that's okay in times like these. i just wish i could make everything i want to make happen, happen - no. not that. i wish i could make a tiny bit of everything i want to happen, happen in front of my face. like reach out and touch you in front of my face. not this far away distance lagging bullshit. i hate sleeping alone and i hate waking up alone. i hate boys who don't realize everything is tangible, that everything isn't easy. that everything you say won't make me want to wake up next to you. something else. i don't know. there's something else and i think i've found it.



i wish i trusted the internet like i trust myself so i could just write what i mean and write what i think plain as day. but ... no. fuck that.

i miss hill. that's all.

tonight... was strange... good. but strange. nights of ryan, brodie, zach, jules and tele.
why did i just get home and its 3 am? how did this happen?
im gunna get baked and watch trailer park boys then pass the FUCK out.

yeah... i just miss ----

i miss kelly and kira

i feel as though i'm either on the cusp of something big extraordinary change, or that i am on the brink of some stupid downfall. weighing both options, i kind of know it's the first because it's what my life needs . i also know that i probably won't realize/comprehend/full take in this change - this - flip - until a few months after it's happened. either way, i'm fully ready to see what happens in the next few months/year/however long and i'm even more ready to learn more and get more and just... change. hard to put into words, i'm tryin

"wide eyed in the hands of god"

tonight mikhalia and i made a really good dinner of fresh pasta with tomato sauce, garlic toast and caeser salad. then we watched intervention and hoarders. so good.


go to this... seriously.






today i also went to nood... that interiors store on 11th and 8th. so rad, got so much christmas shopping done and a few things for my place.

shweeeeeeeeeeeeeey

hhahah i miss maddy

SO tonight... sat around for a while working at artlife... then after we closed got suuuper fucked with tele... just walked home its 6 in the morning. i am hungry. what even happened tonightthrth

been there and done that

last night was good... threw up by like 11 pm, felt so much better after, continued on drinking. hifi then sonki's housewarming. good combination, random combination... but good combination. chalayne was at the houseparty, which was so good. i love seeing that girl.
today i've done nothing, haven't left my apartment. bartending tonight at artlife for artlife's last event ever so come down! good people.





successful avoidance = best

"god damn you know i could never forget about you. you're it in some fucked up way, you've always been it. you'll always be it. you know this already"

also, i was just talking to my friend steve from new york... i miss brookyln. i really, really, really miss brooklyn. i'd be so happy living there. new york. everything about it.


the snow is perfect outside right now

he starts with her back cause that's what he sees

a lot of people have been asking for pictures of my new place... might as well!
+ me and chrissy.

there's still some boxes and bullshit around because i just moved in/have yet to throw it out/take it to my parents

front room/living room




kitchen



bedroom




bathroom



chrissy and i

KP presents babes v2.0 - swaaaaaag edition

ELVIS




PAUL NEWMAN



PERSONAL FAVOURITE, JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT



CHRISTIAN BALE


GWENY GWEN GWEN



and last but really first...
LEAH MCSWEENEY






there's more, but i have to go to work. haha.

define res hoots: according to me apparently...

"so when you have a weed smoking device resin accumulates in the weed smoking device and when you have no weed, you smoke the resin because it has remnants of weed. give or take."

what the fuck does that even mean



...fuck im baked.

you think you're so bad but you're just badly raised...

i cannot hold on and i cannot let go. i was wasted at 15, never learned to go slow.



good: sparkling peach, weed, southpark, my apartment, my mom, stars (as in the band), vietnamese food, nailpolish, the colour of my walls, the colour of my floors.

woke up in a new room i still wish you would make an appearance.



but what else is new...

only have eyes for uuuu

today i moved from bridgeland to the east side of downtown. it's been a loooong day of moving and unpacking and attempting to set things up.. but i've gotten most of what i wanted to be done, done. maybe even more. it's weird i'm in my own apartment rather than in a house with kim. bittersweet for sure. i'll miss living with my best friend and having my own house soooooo much but at the same time it's good to be out of it and out of the stress that went along with it.
today i have, once again learned that
a) i have too many books
b) i have WAY too many clothes and shoes. WAY TOO MANY.

i'm happy that if i look directly out my front window i can see the calary tower probably like 5 blocks away. tiiiiiiiiiiiiight



last night was my nonna's birthday, therefore a family gathering took place at my parents house. my family is hilarious. i can sit and listen to them for hours. and as of about 5:00, i had been with my momma for a solid day and a half. so great.

killing my dreams/i just keep dreaming