wha wha whhaaaammobile

piles of movies, baby blue grey floor, ceiling fan(s). mattress in the corners, bring your own, i can't remember if anyone could hear what you were saying, and i don't know if i want them to know it or not. who am i kidding, you're far but it's okay. not like the first... that baby baby baby that i couldn't get enough of. tricked me for days into some daze that i've thought i climbed out of many times. i still remember the afternoon i went over to that one, that baby baby baby, in an apartment that wasn't ours. melted into foreign sheets and held your hands, traced your eyes with mine, talked things that normally aren't said out loud by either of us... you know. the usual. cocktails after with a girl i miss at a downtown hotel bar. the feeling i got being back with you, the feeling i got when i knew it was done. and now i'm left, i've been left so alone with strangers trying to pry and strangers trying to know me and make me trust them and i can't. just can't. years now, but not that long. worthless months i've spent with individual sweethearts who made me laugh and sure, maybe held on for a while... but all this time i know and you know i've been alone. fly to a different world that remains within our world, just an arm's stretch almost out of reach that sometimes i'm lucky to be in. this sounds like an ode to a long lost love but really it's not, it's more just memories that i'll always be fond of, and fond of the fact that i'm new again and have found something new again because all you really need sometimes is something that slaps you across your face and makes you think more and breath more and maybe sleep a little less, but that's okay in times like these. i just wish i could make everything i want to make happen, happen - no. not that. i wish i could make a tiny bit of everything i want to happen, happen in front of my face. like reach out and touch you in front of my face. not this far away distance lagging bullshit. i hate sleeping alone and i hate waking up alone. i hate boys who don't realize everything is tangible, that everything isn't easy. that everything you say won't make me want to wake up next to you. something else. i don't know. there's something else and i think i've found it.



i wish i trusted the internet like i trust myself so i could just write what i mean and write what i think plain as day. but ... no. fuck that.