constantly i am trying to figure things out and trying to work things through and just thinking thinking thinking. mind never stops. neeeeeeeeeeever stops. probably why i can never sleep, i just can't shut it off. i like bus rides and train rides because i can sit and think uninterrupted without any real distractions. sometimes it's good things sometimes it's bad things. maaaan. ahugh. always uncertain, always bruised up, always moving. always always always changing and shifting things and perspectives. hands faces backs and legs. necks noses lips and fingers. because when i sit down and actually think about myself and the way things somehow manage to work in my head i don't know what i'm i should or shouldnt be doing and sometimes i think that the fact that i only ever really look out for myself and only myself... maybe that's not the best way to be. but it is? not getting hurt myself but hurting others in order to protect myself. and protecting myself without need. i'm just scared i'm gunna get turned around on and fucked over and thrown into the ground and entirely fucked up... by anyone in any way. but. isn't that what's life is supposed to be sort of ... about feeling shit like that? maybe even a little bit? i don't know. that's why i don't know. man. i wish someone would come and sort my head out for me sometimes.
today when i was sitting eating lunch on stephen ave i lurked so hard on all the baaaaaabely construction workers. like common. fuuuuuucking helllllllllllllll.
i'm so looking forward to getting out of my house... sometimes it makes me so craaaaaazy...
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