Wednesday, September 30, 2009

california can cure me.

guilt and consciousness and the back of my mind versus the back of yours. i wish i could. i wish i could just want to. i guess. "coldest eyes and the softest touch. you have the coldest eyes and the softest touch." so many hands taken for granted. so many nights taken for granted. i'm always the one that ends up wide awake and thinking. and all day i'm sleeping. i think it's the realization that something that i thought meant too much doesn't really mean anything, never really has, never did, and i've been lying to myself for years. that page was turned a long time ago. now i've finished the book. burned it all up. hat tricks. sectionals. first times for all your everythings. a letter that goes out to everyone. it's not that i'm unhappy, i'm happy. it's that i'm bored. and i'm tired. and i'm frustrated. and i'm stressed. and i'm heartbroken even though no boy has even come close enough to make me smile in the past... whenever. and i'm all of these things, but i'm not any of them. that's what it's always been like... everything and nothing all at once... and when i think i might be a little bit different than a lot of people i know why.
round tables, scuffed shoes, bags under my eyes. filling up days, wasted money, phonecall. we are the untouchables. you couldn't touch us even if you tried. tried and tested and we found our justice longer ago then you think. it's the secret life of the ones you think you know. the secret life most people live but few can fully comprehend.
i wouldn't be surprised if nothing out of this makes sense. it normally doesn't.

i want weed, i want to sit and talk.
i am so much happier than i've been in a long time, even when i think i'm not. i am. it's just a different kind of happiness i haven't really become used to yet. and i'm kind of glad it's not that familiar yet, because i'm more aware of it. you know?
i miss octobong.

that lonely thing...

every day not many days everything is backwards in a way that it doesn't sound like it means. what's the name for the kind of words that are like that again? it's like looking at things, and thinking about things, and being sure that in reality... pure, simplistic, real reality... what i see is what is. but then it isn't... in a way. some sort of way. and i constantly get confused. i might just be being a hell of a lot more absent minded lately then even i realize, or it might be because of the things i've done before, or the things i've done and the state my mind gets itself into now. i shouldn't be typing this.
i don't know.
i just miss my mom. so much. i never thought it possible to miss someone this much. never.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009



backkkk to here!

but, if you want to read....

Thursday, September 3, 2009

bye bye blogspot