Thursday, October 29, 2009


who's body is this? i've been asleep since i was in your bed. i'm sorry but i'm old, at least i'm getting there. theres only so much left of my life that i can give. from now on this body belongs to no one. that may change but i wont be holding my breath. this is one year that won't be pried from my fingers, i'm promised to myself until death. till death.

uggh whenever i think of my life three - four years ago i get so.. i don't even know. going to vancouver every few months -practically living in jenell's apartment, fountation most nights of the week, sitting around till morning singing songs while giles played guitar? like what the fuck. why doesn't my life involve any of that anymore. i was young, but i wish things were more like that sometimes. vancouver was such a big part of my life until probably about a year ago, i need to get that back. i love that city. i've discovered a lot of other things.. people... places. god damn. never forget your roots!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

but i promise you this - i'll always look out for you... that's what i'll do

PLANS IN MY HEAD. by that i mean mutual plans in me and kim's heads... mutually. to do things... to better the world. you know? better world.

i'm tired of my job because i'm tired of listening to people bitch about nothing and doing nothing and just... pissing me off... and then as soon as i rarely get upset at work i get so much attitude and just... fuuuuuuuck. i need coffee shop. i need my life a year ago back in a way. that part of my life... come back to me.

levi's fucked on t3's and i'm complaining to him about my day on facebook chat. i bet he doesn't get it hahahaha. i bet he's sitting at home laughing at nothing in particular. hahahahahahaha.

today i saw chad and erin... best ever. i miss them so much. so much! it's so fucked that lately all i've been thinking about is my old job. i shouldn't be thinking about that. i need a new job. i'm going crcrcraazy.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

words all sound the same

this is my favourite building... i have drawn/painted it so many times... i just love it.

this is kim and ayla and me... hahah

today i worked per usual, went to the bank after work, sat in cabin and got REALLY sad for a while because i miss that job way too much, went to chrissy's and she cooked me steak stir fry for dinner, now i'm home. man i miss cabin. fuck fuck when i think about that i think about how fuck that is and how much i maybe? fucked up haha. tomorrow i'm going to cabin to see erin for the first time in way too long. i miss her. those people were my actual family for three years of my life, guess i'm not over it yet :(
i am exhaaaausted

hint at me a little more

all i think about it leaving! that's a lie. most of what i think about is leaving.

sometimes i think my life is in shambles but then i remember it isn't really... it might be in it's own way but i'm okay. all of these things that have happened have already happened, and therefore they will influence what is to happen in the future. sometimes i forget that. i need to remember.

Monday, October 26, 2009


slip out of it, slip back down. i cannot stand to see you walking away from me anymore. i can't stand to stay here. why do some people get you more than others, why did you notice the people in your life enough to let them in your life. what reason. unspoken reason. places we shouldn't be, things we shouldn't be yelling, people we shouldn't be around. eye contact has always been able to get me the easiest. i understand that i need to be able to understand. i understand that you're like a hat trick, cat on a string, deep deep hole, sunset. that mind of yours. some days we gotta live in our memories. "the only thing i miss is i messed up i missed it, i messed up the missing of you." "i see you fade away never fade away never fade away." i guess i'll go out the back door, leave you two alone. i guess i'll come in the front and scare you away. soon i'll be far far away. then soon i'll leave and never come back. some time i'll be gone forever.
obsession with joy division has burst back into my life for no real reason.

tonight zache, adam kim and i went on a family outing to a really good vietnamese place on center street. family outings are my favourite. tyler and i are going to have an epic outing when we go east in a week and a half. it's funny how we are automatic travel buddies haha. so good.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

[planet earth]

the past few days have been one giant bender... every night me and basically the same group of people ended up wasted somewhere in the city, kind of confused and having a lot of fun. i had a good time, i'm glad it's been like that haha. even though i always get angry i think it's just because i'm always tired, stressed, slightly annoyed but so happy at the same time. if that makes sense? i think one of my favourite things about the weekend is steven and i's nighttime routine of me making him a bed on the re-named "the couch" and sitting with him talking until he's ready to pass out. the best, haha.
i am glad that when i hate everyone and get way too grumpy i can show up at adam's house at 3 am and sit with any of my three bests, tyler adam and zache, and i can rant about anything and not make sense and be on the verge of tears and just be SO upset and they just sit down with me and let me talk it out and give me good advice. they just never fail to make me happy again. i can show up wanting to shoot someone or leave town and never come back and i leave with a smile on my face and a better outlook. i just love them so much.
i am so happy i don't work today. alone time at home is what i need.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


when people, a few, select, certain people... can take the words right out of your mind before you've even allowed them to manifest themselves enough to talk about them. when what you have been against for the past... however long... is what you know what should happen... hey... i've been there too... i know the feeling. when every person you come in contact with amazes you, and astounds you, and completely disgusts you. days when you think a lot, days when you don't think at all. this. will. not. last. forever. these people will not always be here. these people will not always be everything you think of, everything you care about. that's what's fucked up. and it's like family versus friends and it's the family that's been there and the friends you've chosen as family when that family can't be there. it's just that i love you, and i care about you... but i shouldn't. and i can't. even though i don't know that for sure if it's i just know i can help you and save you or if i'm the one that needs saving? i don't know. you make me sad, you make me cry! haha. i just want to see you like when i met you... full of everything. i don't know. god you're special and i've always know that but i just can't seem to figure it out enough.
regulars of 1st street surrounding my life, drum being my home away from home every day, coworkers digging deep holes in my brain. people i should love driving me up the wall. constant homesickness, constant sickness, constant exhaustion, constant fights. i think about the past and i think about the people from it... and how i felt. how i FELT. all of these people from all of these places that are so far from here and so ... seperate from here.. they are the ones that have taught me the most and given me the most perspective. and i'm glad i have that perspective. this city is not everything, these people in this city do not matter as much as you all think they do... everything and everyone is tangible... except for the ones you filter out and find comfort in. you know? tangible being. tangible beings. there is so much more out there. so much more. so much difference... so many other things to think about, and things to see, and things to do.. and things to just... i don't know. it drives me fucking crazy when i hear people talk and talk about their perspective when they haven't seen anything or done anything that actually affects you and changes you and knocks and ounce of REAL sense into your head. fuck. i'm tired of too much/too many people. i wish i wasn't. sick of being tired tired of being sick.
i hate selfishness more than anything. i hate being let down so much. i hate seeing people disintegrate. i hate lie after lie. i hate gossip. i hate hating.
i just feel, and always have felt for as long as i can remember feeling anything, that separateness is a big part of me, and i tend to understand things... differently than most people i come across... and it fucks with me. i find myself ending up thinking different things than what i should probably be thinking. and i never know if what i perceive to be happening is what actually is happening.
i am drunk, for sure. sitting in my living room waiting for a crowd of people to show up at my house. it's 2:40 in the morning and i work tomorrow. too much makes me way too angry, too many people make me way too angry, everything gets to me but nothing affects me all at once. i don't get it.
solitary solitary solitary i can't figure it out.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


i want to go to edmonton

my life consists of endless blockade, celeste and despise you.
i am tired of trying and never getting anything back. i am tired of surface conversations and never getting what i want to say out... never really getting the chance. tired of days full of the same shit. tired of wasted weekends where nothing ever changes. i am tired of constantly missing a few certain people, even when i see them a couple times a week. tired of feeling used, being lied to and never being able to find what i want aka what i need.
i don't know.
i need to go to edmonton next friday i think... i think i have a car, and if i have a car, i'm going alone.
fuck everyonnnnne i am always angry.
thank GOD i leave to toronto in two weeks. i'm going crazy..

Monday, October 19, 2009

all day okkervil river

1. the master of hot and cold.
2. i think you've still got it.... mmm yeaaaaah you do.
3. you are the biggest secret that i've kept in a long time. weird secret. secret i haven't figured out.
4. for some really weird reason you know how to get under my skin. few people can do that. you've done it. confuses me.
5. i hate it when you have bad days because you're mean to us.
6. apple of my eye!
7. you give me hope for the female-race. serious hope.
8. i just get frustrated easily because i guess i'm a pretty solitary person. i'm sorry if that makes you mad. i can't help it... just sort of who i am.
9. god damn i'm so happy i see you soon, nothing could make me happier.
10. you're that boy that's actually like a brother. you're pretty far, i wish i could hear you talk every day.
11. you get me! breath of fresh air, i'm always stoked when you're around.
12. wish you never left.
13. i miss it being us vs. world. things like this come between friendships all the time but i never thought it'd happen to us? i guess i still just miss you a lot.
14. i'm glad you entered my life and have become such an integral part of it. we're different enough that i like you for it.
15. i wish i could see you more.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

long daaaze

today was good! ordering chinese food at work with nikki, levi bringing me shoes and visiting me, after-work nachos and beer at the drum... then the cope, kali, creeper and maus at new black... then back to the drum haha. so many people from edmonton that i haven't seen in such a ridiculously long time were at the show and i got so happy, and still am... so happy. fuck. i used to chill in edmonton so much when i used to go to a bunch of shows up there... probably some of the best people i've ever met are from that city. stupid, dirty, boring city but amazzzzing people that make me so happy. landon speers, you know how i feel about you. durell smith, you're just the best. i miss you guysssss. also, maus was actually unreal. i love it when i go to shows and hear a band and actually enjoy it so much. music makes me so happy. i'm so glad i still go to shows pretty regularly, and of music that i actually love.
it seems unreal to me that i have a day off tomorrow. what am i even going to do with myself.
i'm sad sean is leaving to the rigs this week! two weeks is not a long time... at all... but i just see him so often.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

cause i say fuck your faaaace

my house is trashed, thanks friends. happens every time there's a party here but... seriously. haha. i don't fuck with anyone's house like people fuck around here.
i wish i didn't have to work. i'm glad it's warm so i can bike today.
i'm really tempted to switch over into hermit mod and not really talk to that many of people. people kind of suck. i don't know who's genuine or not anymore. no idea. i haven't known for a long time i guess.
last night i couldn't sleep till 6 am even though i went to bed at 3:30. too much on my mind...
i'm glad i leave the city in a few weeks. what i need: kelly, being away from here, the hut boys. that is all i need.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

the next 4 days are going to be LONG ass work days

ohhh shit do i ever love pears!

today i went to the new holt renfrew, which is actually unreal. bought a new winter jacket... canadian goose! awww shit. so nice. i'm pretty in love with it. northface for girls is too hard to find... i'm stoked i gave in and spent (wayyyyyyyyy too much) money on a quality, ballin' jacket. haha.

today me and my mom had a conversation about what the fuck i should actually do with my life aka post secondary. i have no idea. public relations? communications? marketing? all mixed in with an art degree? i'd be okay with that. default to teaching or something. i don't know. i think i need to move out of calgary for a year or so, however long it takes, and see different things, live a different pace... ya know... that'll really help me figure it out. clear my mind. that shit stresses me OUT.

next four days i work waaaay too much... that's okay... i need the money reallll bad...

Sunday, October 11, 2009


that's how you lurk my life since 2006. i forgot about fotolog... i'm gunna start posting again. i haven't in a loooong time.

blows my mind i used to look like this

Saturday, October 10, 2009


i woke up still thoroughly wasted at about 730 am this morning, puked a bunch, just thought it was some weird hangover even though i wasnt drrruuuuuunk last night to get a hangover like that, went back to bed, spent the rest of the day puking every half hour, laying in bed watching heroes, being so bummed on being so sick. now i'm sitting alone in my house so bored and thankfully feeling a tiny bit better. i want adam to come over soon because i'm lonelllly haha.

recently, i have noticed a trend in my life. really good things happen to me then really bad things happen to even it out. karma karma karma. i know i'm a good person, i mean well... but... i do the classic lie/cheat/steal thing way too much... especially steal. i steal way too much. so it's this war for balance between me being good and me being bad. i couldn't change my ways even if i tried. i though i'd be better at trying to explain this on here, i guess i'm not haha.

these pictures are unreal...

also, as well as peter petrelli, this guy.... this guy....

soooo gooood

adam isn't here yet...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

revolution from my bed

full out winter outside, so fucked up. riding my bike around is the coldest thing.
the return of my puffy vest aka A +++++++++

once someone told kim and i that our blogs are basically just a longer, more drawn out, more detailed list of our likes and dislikes. well then...
likes: tears for fears, adam visits me at work every day, heroes, black keys, farmville, kim, my kitchen, babes, the weekend, getting a raise, weed, hot showers, thinking about heroes, the drum on my mid-afternoon breaks, my bike, toronto soon, my family, when my nail polish on my fingers and toes match (mandatory), figuring people out/getting to know people, party party party, my organized closet, atomic, and levi because a) he's way too nice to me b) he replaced shoes of mine that got stolen from a party (!!) and c) he's weird like kim and i are weird hahahaha.
dislikes: being broke, financial stress, constant cold, how fucking COLD it is outside, when i can't sleep, how heroes isn't actually real, nightmares, missing my family........ that's all really....

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cause you said the Brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


it's 0 degrees outside, feeling like minus 4. soon i'm going to hop on my bike and freeze on the way to work. i got my hair cut last night, i potentially ruined my hair, i don't know yet, i hope it's okay... i had good hair before... why did i do this. i should never do things like this. i have almost no money whatsoever. money sucks. i don't know. i hate starting days thinking like this...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


i am cold, too cool to call you, far too stoned to leave my bed
i'll write this song to win your kiss but stay asleep instead

Monday, October 5, 2009

how i learned to stop worrying and love the bomb

i booked me and tylers flghts to toronto today at work! so stoked. $314 round trip, after taxes... perfect. perfect! one month. so stoked. so many people i need to see! so many things i must do! kellllllly!!!
tonight adam kim and i spent a good 3 hours colouring, smoking weed and listening to the strokes. haha.
all i think about is hereos.... i can't believe it's only monday...
"you talk so much and can't listen. you think you have all the answers but you know nothing. stop pretending that you're smart. stop pretending that you know better. you don't, what your life is like right now, what you are as a person, is proof that you aren't better than all the people you think you are above. i am sick of listening to your shit and dealing with your mistakes."

Sunday, October 4, 2009

my life

blog gg gg g gg

tyler wilson and i have decided to make another epic journey together! this time to toronto for shook ones on november 5th. so glad we're going, so stoked. i miss toronto! i love shook ones. i need to see kelly. i need to see my babes. i need to leave calgary! augh i am so happy. planes with tyler are always hilarious.
it's been snowing off and on for the past like day and a half, what the fuck. winter... oh no.
today i was supposed to work but my boss decided to just... not open today. so far i've done nothing but sit around and get baked and watch heros and play farmville. i'm okay with that. i'm going to my parents house for dinner tonight.
this weekend was funny. friday night kim and i went to our friends pot luck thanksgiving dinner houseparty which even though was full of people we didn't know at all, it was still funny. after we went to the drum, usual friday. the people i see in this city are some of the best people i've met. so good. last night i didn't leave bridgeland. got drunk with my best friends at the new residency of ty, zache and adam. i love them.
there's something about cold weather that i always love, even though i hate winter for the most part. staying inside is so comfy haha. layers and jackets and toques and mitts. morning coffee and bagel are so much better, haha. i don't know. fall is pretty. winter is pretty too. the next few months are going to be ridiculous.

Friday, October 2, 2009


friiiiiiiiiiiiday i love friiiiiiiiday i'm fucking exhausted.

work today has so far been like this: