Monday, March 29, 2010

passerby notices

I thought these were interesting. Alexa Meade, does art imitate life or does life imitate art?

right now i'm sitting in mikhlia's apartment alone, haha. i worked my first shift at deville all day today and it was good... i remember why all i want to do is make coffee. best thing. it's been a year since i've been working in a coffee shop... too long. so stoked!
i am going to start looking for a new apartment soon... basically just for the fuck of it. because i can, and i want to... change of scenery is always nice and refreshing.
i'm going to be making some changes soon/now... definitely.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

never have i ever felt this FUCKED UP before in my entire life. ever. never ever. i never want this again.

pros vs cons and all i can think about is what i'm seeingggggggggggggggggggggg ahgh. ghfdsjkgfd. gfhsjgkfhgkjsfd. fhgjkfhjgshkgjs. my parents think i'm crazy. i think that's because i'm a little crazy or something. i don't know. i feel weird and sick and all i want to do is sleep... really. i'm moving out of my apartment soon and out of my building i can'ttt anymore. you know? i don't. i work in a couple hours and i know the entire time i won't know what's really going on. great. whopps. i want to see ---- ------. i don't know why i'm blocking that name out but i don't know i'm gunna. the past week has been a weird blur. i have a bad feeeeeling oh maaaan i have a bad feeling. it's so beautiful outside today i went on a lonnnnng drive with an iced soy latte and minus the bear in the speakers of my car and i felt a little bit better. sometimes i can't help it but already hate everyone i meet... and despise the people that are already here. ugh. don't act like you're the first one to do everything that you DO. COMMON. i am too angry and i think i'm starting to realize it. good thing i get to leave in a couple weeks. all i want to do is puke right now but that's the laaaaast thing i want to do. i could drink gallons of water if only i could care enough to open my mouth. fuck being lethargic or electric or charismatic and fuck thinking about actions or words - especially - pretty much ONLY your own. wish i could stop hating so heavily but why'd i do that? who's here to prove me wrong. i need someone (something) to kind of you know for once PROVE IT TO ME.

i wonder what it's like to be sorta normal... like chongo normal. like go about your daily life with no real second thought or expression and fall back into some university degree and end up in an office with a family and a nice house and children and a spouse you may or may not completely hate. that kind of life would drive me crazy and i think that's why for me it's always been about being a little bit off track.

everything and nothing all at once, that's always been my problem. god damn get it in your head. get it outta your heaaaaaad!

blah blah blah i don't care about any of this really.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

cause i won't let you destroy yourself

i don't even want to think about you right now, i don't ever want to think about anyone again. many years to come and all you have the nerve to say to me is nothing nothing nothing. i guess i don't write particulars anymore but instead i just try to remember to think calmly. sometimes all i need is some fresh air... whatever that might point towards. the other night someone appeared in front of me that hasn't been around in a long time, and i was just so glad to be listening to him talk again. and i was just so glad that he still made me happy. fuck. what makes me most mad is closed minds... and selfishness... and lying. the past 15 hours have been a blur of blood and sweat and tears... literally. days like those scare me because i thought i was past it all, when really it could hit me again at any time. fuck do i feel like death and such. see things clearly, see the detail, feeeeel what you need. you know?

i got a job at deville. starting monday?
i am so sick. i need to detox sooooo badly.
james tonight!!!!!!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

sound puzzle

my apartment smells liiiiiike mushrooms and vanilla and danny's room. hahahahaha. weird? mushrooms because danny and i just made chocolates and the spores are in the air everywhere, vanilla cause of glade and danny's room because he gave me a carpet. hahaha. all i'm doing right now is sitting and downloading music and laughing hahahahaha. simone leaves today for waaaay too long. dana is supposed to be here but where is he? i have no idea.

Monday, March 22, 2010

i never seem to put photos up on facebook anymore

but i like these..

i'm sleepy. last night was polar bear club at republik, then rod's birthday at local, then afterparty at kellys. getting home at 8 am and still not sleeping for hours. waking up at 4. simone and i got coffee, dom and i went for dinner at chianti and for the past few hours dana, geoff and i have been sitting around smoking weed. a large chunk of my plan for tomorrow also involves just being with dana and geoff.. haha. good.
i'm so sleep deprived and baaaaaked right now.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Sometimes I get caught up in the idea of some end or some beginning even hough I should probably just focus on what's happening in front of me. If that makes sense. I'm not about to turn away and run away... Just more likely to stay and breathe it in. Whatever happens happens. Tonight the Saturday night dj told me 'if you're thinking about leaving you've already left.' of course, he was talking about his ex girlfriend who moved to vancouver, became a heroin addict and eventually died a few years later buuuuut I can't help but put that phrase into the general ebb and flow of life in general... Life itself? If you're not in it you're not IN it and ifthats what it's going to be like you might as well move on. Leave. You know? Soak in what you want not what you're told to appreciate. Maybe I'm just tired of seeing so many people obsessed with these pre determined ideas of themselves and what's right and wrong and what's expected an what's not worth it when what thy should be thinking about is themselves and now and what they... Themselves... Only... What they reallllllly want. I think I've grown accustomed to being sort of alone in a sense of the way I think. The people I'm closest with are the people I can relate to best. Yeah.

Spelling mistakes = iPhone mistakes

Friday, March 19, 2010


simone, home!

george being a babe

aviva and a chongo. haha strange night, i don't know how i didn't die.

i love dana and geoff... dana let me tattoo his leg! haha

spooky on a leash. we tried to take her to tubby dog but she was toooo scared and wouldn't leave the front step, haha.

expensive cellos! i want the one on the right... if onlllly

Thursday, March 18, 2010

there was always warmth between us

wake up...

like - no dirty dishes, mushroooms, simone, missing your calls, give me bass bass baaaassssssssssssssss, toronto 3 weeks, george pettit introduced himself to me hello 14 year old self's dream, some b-oy, bike every day, patio sunshine with my coworkers!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

what a bizzare night

What or who still inspires you to keep on keeping on?

the fucking homo’s and the junkies cuase they always keep on keepin on

Saturday, March 13, 2010

i feel bad

ugh tonight i went a little crazy and i know it's just because i'm here so alone. you know? augh, i even drive myself a little insane sometimes. i just can't get worries out of my head sometimes... i'm just incapable of doing so.
buuuut tonight ended up to be good. after work tele came and saved my life (not the first time...) and took me to factory party. then i drove tristain's truck to kelly's at 3am with just tristain... and then it was co worker bonding time at kellys. so good. aw man! paul got me home safe and sound.

i have re-realized my love for this man
like gooooooood god damn

today day was good... coffee/home shopping with chrissy then dinner/lurking with maddy. then work. then everything else. good. 5:15 am hellllo how are you

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

since i have an iphone i'm gunna post daily pictures kind of

today danny and i went to the zoo! such a good day. the zoo has mechanical dinosaurs now? they move and make noises it's unreal haha. we also went for vietnamese and just lurked around like usual... good.

yesterday my brother and i went to the drum for a couple pints. when he left i stayed and ended up going to the ship to meet brent and cole and phil, then going back to the drum, then going to hifi and meeting kelly! such a bizzare, really fucked up night. i just dance for hoursss.

my house rules

chad and rich.. door guys you are my life haha


view from my front window!

chrissy being great

dom a longa ding dong <3

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

for the past 2 hours i've been doing nothing except for listening to fall of the bastards and getting distracted by everything

i am going to set up some new... guidelines, for myself, for my life... lately i've just been not really doing anything or taking care of much.
1. wake up before noon every day
2. stop going to shoppers just to shop... i spend too much money there.
3. make my bed every day!
4. floss every day.
5. don't buy anything i don't NEED for the next few months. i spend too much money i need to save and pay off things.
6. always try to be in a good mood - keep spme real perspective in everything i do..
7. stop smoking too much weed! only before bed. only!!
8. think of myself first... assert myself.
9. drink only once a week!

tonight i think i will probably end up with geoff and dana. good.

MOB SPRING 2 Gramercy Gardens collection

Saturday, March 6, 2010

i love being in my parents house.

" And that music is so powerful that it's quite beyond my control and when I'm in the grips of it I don't feel pleasure and I don't feel pain, either physically or emotionally. Do you understand what I'm talking about? Have you ever felt like that? When you just couldn't feel anything? And you didn't want to either? You know? Like that. Do you understand what I'm saying sir?"

this morning i booked my flights to toronto!!! april 12-22 i get everything i want!!!!!!!!


market yourself: hey i'm good at counting large sums of money and making people awkward. i'm always pretty unsure but entirely certain, and therefore everything hits me hard and i tend to think a lot. in school i always got good grades and always made friends with my teachers as opposed to students... even when i was in highschool i couldn't stand highschool kids. sometimes i forget to assert myself and then i get in over my head but i'm working on it. i'm rational and responsible by default, and i've been told i'm memorable. i've only been in love with one boy and even then i was sort of removed from it all. i have a lot of friends, i know a lot of people, i can go pretty much anywhere in north america and have a couch to sleep on and a group of people that will show me love. even so, i can count the people who actually seem to want to sit down and listen and talk and get on another LEVEL on my fingers... but i'm kind of okay with that. i love deeply if i love at all. i can be heartless and immoral and evil but at the end of the day i just want good vibes for everyone. i'm weird and i bet if you tried you couldn't figure out what typical stereotype i would best fit into. people always tell me i need to get away from calgary but the truth is i have too much here right now to leave. jobs, money, apartment. seemingly superficial things that i'm not ready to leave yet. i think one day i'll get up and go and then i'll be gone for a long time. i take things to heart in a way that it's hard to hurt me but easy to trust me, and even thought i'm trustworthy i can only seem to trust few and far between. i have a lot of secrets and i don't like selfishness. my sister's getting married in october and i don't know who i want to take as my date.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

too late to catch me now

another one of those days? you wake up and i watch you. perceptions constantly change and i can't tell if it's just me or if it's just everybody else. have you ever had any one of these days? because despite your speaking of truth i can't help but see that it's just you that's deceived. look for a higher truth, look for a higher purpose, and constantly try to be as comfortable and as lovable and as hypocritically available as you can be. damn i call bluff. DAMN i call your bluff. nothing really matters because everything matters to someone and when you find out what matters to you that's when you start to slow down... or speed up... or just do something different. i guess. i don't know what i'm writing about i'm just writing. today i'm just really fucking frustrated and i don't want to be. limbo state of everyone you know. don't take them from me, don't take that from me... and i won't take anything from you. i think there's a lot of things about me that a lot of people really really really don't know about and most of the time i forget that people just DON'T know me... and i forget that the people who do know me probably know me better than i think. and then i get confused because sometimes i wish it was all just a lot more simple.

geoff is home thank god

empty souls

"it's beyond me simply because i don't think i can bear to face it yet, it's beyond me because i don't want to. i can't be lonely for you when i don't even cross your mind. do i cross your mind?"

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

"i could kiss every inch of your body for hours and i'd never get bored"

i woke up in the best way this morning and give or take, i've spent pretty much the entire day in and around my bed. it's always the most stable seeming people that can get to me the most but it always ends up the same in the way that they end up to be way more fucked up than i could ever really tell. it's the ones that inspire me that should be the ones to stick around. blood clots and backs. i've been thinking lately... and now i know that i should re think everything that i've thought about. comprehending what it is to want to understand "it" doesn't necessarily mean that it's some out of body religious monarchy or something, it could be as simple as it is you and it is different for every single person because every person is singular in their existence to themselves. the idea that since our brains hold memory can coincide with the fact that our brains are made up of matter - and all matter is made of atoms and molecules - and therefore they are a source of energy and energy can not be created or destroyed so the memories that this mind molecules have held have theoretically been passed down throughout the world through energy and a essence of matter - which then could be put into a couple different circumstances. rebirth, reincarnation, the idea of one person lives different lives over and over and even though the conscious of one lifetime is not able to remember and recognize the conscious of past lifetimes - maybe the memory molecules (memory ENERGY) still have the ability to hold onto those past lifetimes. now, how do you reach those "memories"? they are somewhere, they are tangible in their own right, but how do we reach them? altered states of conciseness? using methods of psychedelic mediums in order to put our minds in another place that could possibly reach back that far? i don't know but i want to know. it = you. universe/everything/entirety = universe. it = everything. you = universe? i don't know. just rambles.

and all the medicine went to my head again late last night

And all the medicine went to my head again. Late last night, my bed of saccharine, my bad amphetamine, I was lit from within, burning with means and ends. And the city life is like sugar high, knocking me out, keeping me wired. It's incredible,
unsteady chemicals come and go the ebb and flow. When the measure of your work is the measure of your worth, then you better make it work.
There's some people I could name, but it's not the time or place to split hairs with the guys downstairs. They'll get their fair share I'm sure. The frequency is gonna take us there.
And the city kids, the angry with-it kids, hate everything the first time. It's incredible, the kind of chemicals knocking aroud in my mind. In the winter of my night I found a desperate kind of light, and nothing comes without a fight.
You want to know where the good thoughts grow, but you ought to know where all the good thoughts go. You can't afford to miss a day. Call in sick, you better stay that way. Stay that way.