every so often i post something by espo. describe meee

safe is just a state of mind

today me and justin closed atomic at 430 instead of 630 like we were supposed to... then we went to the drum to watch football and eat beer and nachos. i love that guy. now i'm sitting at home a little bit drunk, brodie's gunna come over soon and smoke weed with me. i'm chilling with duncan the cat. my life's pretty good. i should stop being in this stupid rut of thinking it's less than the best.



ahahah we move in a week... im gunna miss this kitty.


its only 630, how is it only 630?

things that i like... a lot: motion city soundtrack, living downtown in my own apartment in a week!, beer, beer and nachos, babes, my parents, buddahs veggie delight, kim and simone, weed, hill sulpher, pink nails always, new job in 2 weeks, amazing coworkers, fbchat with sarah pester,

things i don't like even more: spiders, distance, i'm not in the east, i miss kelly, miss my babe, being confused, being legitimately broke,i haven't seen sarah pester in SO long, duncan kind of smells.



oh by the way i magically got to go to municipal waste last night. and somehow i got super drunk. and it was one of the best nights in a while just because it started with me and levi, then proceeded to involve me being SO happy seeing mw, them playing mind eraser in their encore, then ending with me zache and adam lurking downtown and drinking more... how it should be. how my life should be?

"we're not here to meet mr. right, we're here to find mr. right now"

doesn't feel like a saturday. missing municipal waste tonight because i'm too broke to go see one of my long time favourite bands... fuccccck. jhghkdlgfhjklfhjgls

i'm at my parents, we're going for food soon. soooo good.

act casual

babby

al put this on his status the other day/then i remembered this quote and remembered how much i love it...




ChristianTroy: You want the wisdom to know the difference between what you can and can't change? Here's step 13: Everything disappears. Love, trees, rocks, steel, plastic, human beings. None of us get out alive. Now you can huddle in a group and face it one day at a time, or you can be grateful that when your body rubs against somebody else's it explodes with enough pleasure to make you forget even for a minute that you're a walking pile of ashes. Now that is the truth. If you're strong it'll make you free, if you're weak, it'll make you... you.



oh nip/tuck...

where you'll find me now

yesterday levi and i went to the coup, finally, i drank the tiniest amaretto sour ever. we lurked around the city and talked. no real plan... no real direction... story of our lives. it was good. i missed him.


my life/dedicated to sarah pester...

my ipod broke god fucking damnit ahhh

everything that's been keeping us together has been falling apart. i never really know what i'm supposed to be doing? or saying? or anything? i'm glad you just went home. god damn i could make things so much worse than they already are. but i won't... no... i don't even WANT to... and that's the difference. i spend these stupid nights alone, but for what? i need to know the answer but i don't know how to word the question. and that's my problem. it's just like... i wish i could change things that can't really change right now. and i'm driving myself crazy because it's all that i want. you know? and i end up at the same place at the end of every day. night. i mean. an ounce of change can't come soon enough. i can't separate the excuses from the honesty. i can't even remember what i'm supposed to think those lines mean anymore. sinking feeling. i can't recall my options.



soooo... tonight we got wasted at our house, tried to go to the bar.... turned around and went back to bridgeland. i'm fucked up. in my bed. ah.

we were just in time, let me take a little more off your mind. theres something in my head, somewhere in the back said ---

where is my mindddd. i want to get some sort of a life together. i want to... do it by myself. finally. i want change more than i've ever wanted it before. arrivals soon. i. am. tired. of. hearing. about. you. hearing from you. hearing bullshit. from you. always, from you. who ya falling with? shakey days. nothing ever stops slowly fucking up in some way. nothing is ever how it should be. "if i make it at all i'll make you want me." some days it's just so much worse than others... you know... this... whatever... just like some days are so much worse than others. i have a constant headache that i can't figure out if it's from all of these things that happen or if it's just because i'm so up to my neck in some stupid form of disguised chaos? i don't even know. i'm bummed the sun is setting because i know my house is going to scare me so much until kim gets home. bill money gone... stupid fucking robbers.... i feel sick to my stomach.

ahh

SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE THIS MORNING, WHILE I WAS AWAKE, IN MY LOCKED BEDROOM IN THE BASEMENT. most fucked up day. my brother legitimately had to come to my house and rescue me. SO fucked up. so spooked. worst thing.


not going to work today. no way.

being a real person...

i got a new apartment! i'm going to move in dec 6 i think. 15th ave and 1st street se aka mcloed south. so good. in mikhalia's building. pretty cheap, perfect place for just me. so stoked.
i haven't been in toronto for roughly a week and everything is already so different in calgary. calgary life is changing so much, and i'm so stoked on it. but i miss my best friend and my babes and my baaaaaaaabe.
also! i start at republik in a couple weeks too. so it's new neighbourhood + house + living situation + job pretty much all at once.
christmas is soon!

meet DUNCAN

"TWO KP'S IN A POD"

aaaahha, last night was unreal. worked until 8:30, tyler comes to my work to go for a pint at the drum, so we do. then randomly go to billy and sarah's place in mission. as soon as we walked in the door billy hands us a big mug of mushroom tea, we both down it. we sit at billys place until probably midnight, getting drunk and hanging out. kyle lit his hand on fire, we watched fucked up youtube videos... i don't even know. i felt so great. then we went to the drum, danny was driving. got to the drum, so unreal. so many people were there. i thought it was going to be maybe a bit too overwhelming given my state of mind at the time, but i had so much fun. i was pretty fucking confused at some points but all i know is that i was stoked to be stoked, and i was stoked to see everyone there, and i was just happy and completely fucked haha. i thought so many things that people said to me were "quote of the night" status, hahahahaha. weird because even though i was at a busy bar super high and super drunk, i was thinking so clearly and thoroughly and figuring so much of what's been messing me up for the past bit. today my mind is kind of a jumble, and i know the next week will just consist of me sorting things out in my head sort of thing. you probably get it. i'm a little bit more positive already, i can feel it.. which is good. i needed it... so bad. ahh i just know now. i get it. i know what i need to do hahah.

by the way....

all i do every night is get baked/watch southpark/think think think

last night was okay... actually, i had a shitty night... but a few people made it seem good. 1) wiskey and girl talk with simone and kim 2) seeing blake, i missed blake 3) tyler wilson putting up with me being tired and stressed and drunk and angry and sad and just... shitty and 4) george strombolopolous was at the drum, what the fuck?
also, i guess i might as well say something about this here. come jan 1st 516 9th street ne, aka me and kim's humble abode, will no longer exist. i'm going to move into an apartment downtown by myself, kim's gunna do her own thing too. it's what's needed, it's what's best, and it's what's way more affordable. even though this means a lot of stress and business in the next month and a half of my life, it's what i want to happen 150%. if i could afford it, i'd be gone from calgary in probably about a month, but unfortunately i just can't afford it in any way yet, so i'm going to chill and work 2 jobs and save save save then leave leave leave. sounds good to me. i wish i could chill at my parents for a few months and save then leave sooner rather than later but... i'm not allowed to go back there haha.

toronto or vancouver.... toronto or vancouver.... that is the question.....
i wish there was a sweet other city in calgary... montreal is so good but i wouldn't be able to work there with no french...


i hope kelly comes here soon. kelly and kira maybe even? hollllly shit i'd die from love haha

tomorrow afternoon i'm hanging out with chrissy james, i misss herrr so i'm stoked.

my arms are all twisted

breathe againnnn, it's all going to be over soon. these messes, these triangles, these rooftops... they won't last. waking up sucks when i know i have nothing to really like throughout the day. waking up sucks knowing i won't see who i want to see. mint green walls. gold and black. this place is our lives and it's going fast. snap my fingers and make it better. snap my fingers and break my back. i have a lot of shit to do. i have a lot of shit to leave behind. i can't go home anymore, i'm off by myself. off to better places. i don't know what to choose, a sort of crossroads i guess you could say i'm at. (i miss your hands and arms and back and chest. i miss your eyes and lips and the way you talk.) it's like my life was how it was, and now it's not going to be, and soon it's going to be completely different. i have a lot of talking to do.

cosmic communication

i've been awake for an hour and a half and it's 9:30... why can't i sleep today? i'm gunna head downtown quick. it's friday today, i work extra long... i wonder what i'll do tonight... all i know is that i miss kyle, geoff, dana, blake, and murry most sooooo i'll be with them... obviously.


hut video look at itttt AT... http://push.ca/blogs/skatenews/archive/2009/11/12/video-the-hut-skate-house.aspx
http://push.ca/blogs/skatenews/archive/2009/11/12/video-the-hut-skate-house.aspx
http://push.ca/blogs/skatenews/archive/2009/11/12/video-the-hut-skate-house.aspx
http://push.ca/blogs/skatenews/archive/2009/11/12/video-the-hut-skate-house.aspx
http://push.ca/blogs/skatenews/archive/2009/11/12/video-the-hut-skate-house.aspx
http://push.ca/blogs/skatenews/archive/2009/11/12/video-the-hut-skate-house.aspx

toronto novemver 2009 recap in pictures

sing me to sleep

i've always really liked wtaps... but sometimes i don't like some of their stuff. choosey with them, in other words. this rules however...




also, supreme x vans v-106... mmm mmm mmm ....



things are going to change so much again really soon! sooner than i ever would have guessed. all for the best though. ohh man

today work was harsh. being back still sucks. i miss... you know what i miss..

tangled up

back in calgary, got here a few hours ago. my brain is flatlined right now. i don't even know what to do with myself. how am i going to sanely survive the next... however long? shit. this city's already getting to me. i have no need for any of this drama... none of it really... affects me in any way so why does my life get full of it so fast? spent my last money on a few groceries as soon as i got in, i have to make that shit last until pretty much the end of the month. my house is messy. ugh. i just need to hermit in my room right now or something i think. i don't know.
my last night in toronto was good. kelly and i went on a girl date to mtv, salad king then coffee. i'm going to miss that girl more than i can even put into words. then i went to the skate park to meet hill and joe... who, by the way, are probably two of the best people i know, we went to tobys and drank a couple pitchers. hill and i walked to queen after. saddest goodbye ever. what do i even do now. what do i doooooooo.... :(
i'll probably go out east again sooner than i should, can't seem to keep myself away from that place for longer than a few months at a time...

boreddd

"it's weird how things happen. falling into place. it's like everything is perfect, would be perfect, but it's all pretty much impossible." - ak

it's like when i look at you, or talk to them, or feel this city, or don't care to remember where i am. it's like when waking up is good because of you and you and especially you. whispered conversations in rooms filled with people. dirty streets, black cabs, smoke always in the air. middle of the night and the phone wouldn't stop ringing. first time in a long time that that sinking feeling didn't wake up with me. "i'm your problem." this is the problem! whole lot confused but even more certain. whole lotta lost but a whole lot more found. do you get it yet? maybe separating yourself isn't the best thing to do. maybe removing yourself isn't the best way to live. how many things have you missed out on because your own self consciousness.... righteousness... explosiveness? getting off track. matching toes and fingers. something seems right. this is it: all i want to do is find the place i need to be right now. find it and love it for all it's worth.

i got some bad ideas in this head

i feel as though i should do a trip-so-far recap... more so for myself so i can read this in however long and remember more and get stoked.
thursday tyler and i left bridgeland at approximately 5:30 am, arriving in toronto around 12:30 pm. went to kellys for a bit, then trekkked to downtown to visit the hut. after that kelly and i met up with michelle, laura and.. anna? i want to say at java for dinner. i wish calgary had java or something exactly like it, it's so delicious. after that we met up with ty again and went to the vapour lounge on bloor and younge-ish. comedy show thursday, some of it was so unreal i was practically crying i was laughing so hard. then we just went back to kellys and smoked a lot more weed and passed out.
friday kelly worked until 9 so tyler and i headed downtown for some dinner and to meet up with buds and start our friday night. we went to ginger, a hella cheap, hella good vietnamese place. once again, i wish calgary had something exactly like ginger. the spring rolls there are unreal. after dinner we went to meet up with jamie reid. i was not stoked on the fact that he was with two random girls i didn't know, but when we met up with him it turned out to be that he was with kerry frrriiiggggin' maguire and megan. so good! eventually we met mikaela and ryder and jack, and then skish and kala, and went to the most random, pretty creepy... but totally rad asian karaoke bar that megan knew the owners of. we went to some creepy ass little basement room with lights and stuffed animals and the weirdest shit. drank a few pitchers of cheap beer and finished off our own liquor. there was us in the basement being belligerent, a punk band playing upstairs, and a room full of asians singing the loudest karaoke in the back. after that we headed to sneaky dee's for nachos and more beer, everyone even more belligerent by now. spent some time at dees, left, realized that we didnt pay our full bill at all, then hurried to 751. on the way to 751 everyone was yelling and just... wrecking shit, basically. calgary kids + city other than calgary + copious amounts of beer = unreal. 751 was chilling, they played good music. bowie was there and i was stoked because he's the best guy. kelly and i took the streetcar home and bought a large pizza on the way, haha.
saturday kelly and i woke up, did absaloutley nothing for a few hours, then went to java for dinner with mikaela and ryder. after that we went to the show (shook ones), and got drunk in a nearby park before they played. even though i've seen shook ones more than a handful of times, they were excellent as always, and i had an amazing time. after the show our giant calgary group once again trekked through the streets of toronto to 751, being wasted and rowdy all the way there. all the hut boys and friends were at the bar, which made me happy. after drinking there for a while hill and i decided to head back to the hut, where the other boys eventually showed up as well. case of beer, mickey of whiskey, 3 in the morning. bowie and glencoe jesse beat some guy up and took his bike... it's funnier than it sounds... hahahahah. i love those boys. in the morning we all went for cheap breakfast then i went back to kellys. last night we went for japanese food and visited michelle at adreneline when she was getting her sleeve worked on. after that we went home, got more baked, watched the outsiders then slept.
now i am alone in kelly and andys apartment, just woke up, gunna go downtown soon and make pitstops at nomade, adrift and stussy then go meet up with hill.
good city, unreal weekend. i never want to have to go back to calgary and work every day and just... get back into my routine. moving when my lease is up. i can't not.

i am so tired. staying up all night with a hut full of boys and a mickey of whiskey

toronto since thursday, unreal! this place makes me so happy... the people... the everything. i don't want to leave! calgary is so boring... i can't be there all the time. every time i leave i dislike it more and more.
AHHHHH toronto

one question

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS BEEZY




















lost in vancouverrrrr

fgfhsgfgs

oh shit! today i got a new job! coatcheck/door at republic. shiiiiiiiiit. i'm stoked! hellllla stoked!
last night kim and i planned to stay inside and hide in our house and sleep early. then dana, geoff, kyle and blake just SHOWED up at our house, bearing gifts of vodka, weed and best-friend-ness. at first i wasn't stoked... i wanted to sleep. but after 10 minutes with those boys i realized that the only thing i wanted to do was hang out with them haha. eventually they convined me to go to the drum, on the way kyle hit a bunch of signs and pilons (on purpose), and then popped his tire... so we spent a good 40 minutes a block away from the drum trying to figure out how exactly to change the flat. hahahahaha. funniest night.
i'm pretty much packed for toronto tomorrow! so stoked. soooo stoked. i wonder what this trip will hold... every time i leave the city i come back different. i hope i can sleep by an early time... i have to wake up at 430 am tomorrow. i wish i had copious amounts of weed.
the past few days have been the worst but have actually been really really good. i'm happpppy.

its like DAMN baby you KNOW you cant save me

toronto 3 sleeps! my favs in 3 sleeps!
gerry is the strangest person on fb chat! gerry! why are you so fucking weird! hahahaha makes me laugh for daysss.
this evening levi and i went out for dinner before i leave town/he leaves town for way longer. i'm glad we did, i'm glad both of us get to get out of town for a bit. i'm glad for vietnamese food. the coup was closed. we plan poorly sometimes... even though it was the perfect plan.
attn toronto hut please get a hut cell phone because i hate calling the hutline. why do you have a hutline.
i'm so bored at home with no weed. i have a good job interview on wednesday! but i am at home. alone. bored. no weed. the boy's house seems too far to pick myself up and go to. it's two blocks away but i swear sometimes it seems like the longest two blocks ever.

IF MY HEART IS MADE OUT OF GOLD THEN WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE I'M HERE ALL ALONE?

more often than not i like to say fuck it

this happens pretty much nightly. oh my girrrrls








speaking of girls, who were all those rude ones at the halloween party at northmansion last night? i don't get it. girls make me uncomfortable/angry just because so many are bitches. i prefer the ones i see weekly out and about, the ones that actually hang out... even if a lot of them are more acquaintances. they're nice, they're chill, they're not MEAN. god damn random girls, why do you have to randomly exist in my life sometimes.
this is why most of my friends are boys.