Saturday, February 28, 2009

i woke up too drunk so i didn't go to work... losing money but that's okay. today i'm going to watch a movie then go out somewhere. i really want subway... i wish i could eat subway. i wish i wasn't poor so i could get subway anyway. mmm.
things i do not like: sugar overload and when people talk/chew with their mouths open. like common.

Friday, February 27, 2009


i can't stop coughing! laaame. i didn't think this sickyness would turn out to be such a long event. but tonight is aylas birthday so we're going to go out and get wasted and it's going to be a lot of fun. i work early as hell tomorrow but i do every saturday... and i still go out every friday. i'm okay with it. yesterday i did absolutely nothing and only left my house once to get vietnamese food take out. wake n bake and watch movies all day. best day. soon in a few hours im going to go meet the girls downtown for dinner. right now im going to catch up and watch wednesday's episode of the real world that i missed... word!
vancouver soon! im stoked.
and! i've realized that i need to fix one thing really soon, like as soon as i can, but that might not be for a while. you know? you know.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

my kind of trouble is you

There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with
the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil,
all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward
it, I have now surpassed...
My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better
world for anyone. I fact I want my pain to be inflicted on
others. I want no escape.
But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis. I gain no
deeper knowledge about myself, no new knowledge can be extracted
from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any
of this. This confession has meant nothing...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I am cold too cool to call you far too stoned to leave my bed i'll write this song to win your kiss but stay asleep instead

on feb 20 2007 in an old blog i quoted this from something i was reading at the time
"It's like some sort of sick wash, rinse, repeat cycle that I can't get myself out of. I try to push everything that's happened between us to the back of my mind, so far back that I don't really notice it, so far back that I can function without thinking about it. I try to forget about your voice, and your lips, your stomach, your eyes, and the reality of the chemistry we shared. I've tried to forget these things with all the willpower I have. Instead of facing up and coming clean with my feelings towards you, and how they're still strong as ever, I push it all aside. I push you aside because I know that it's so sensitive that one false move could ruin any hope we have left. When I push you aside I get a sort of constant sub-concious loneliness. What do I do to cure this misery? I convince myself that others will do. I know my power, and I know how to use it. I've been doing this too long to not get that temporary relief that nights in dark basements and backseats provide. Temporary relief, that's all it really is. These objects that are eager for my manipulation offer themselves up to me wherever I turn. Whenever I turn around, there's always that option. They're my options to ease the pain of not being able to call you mine. Not being able to talk to you freely without the chance of a fight, not being able to look at you and kiss you whenever I want. Lying to myself is just another way of convincing myself that I can have real feelings for anyone other than you. The truth is, I can't. Not right not at least.
I've gotten so good at this - pushing you aside and filling up the gashes you leave behind with fake smiles and fake kisses and fake feelings. Breaking hearts doesn't matter to me anymore, and I always feel a stab of guilt whenever I say that... but it's just the truth. Holy truth. Holy Mother of Mary where did we go wrong. I know the answer to that too. I'm full of responses even when everyone thinks I'm at a lose for words, even when I think I'm at a lose for words. I can't think of a time when I haven't known what to do or say. Back of my mind, back of my mind. Bottom line, we went wrong when we said goodbye.
Parting ways was never a smart way to tell each other how much we cared.
How much we still care.
There's days when I think that I don't need you, that I shouldn't need you, because you actually are the low life scum that you've been called by many. I could go on without you, and it's better that I do. Then I think of how miserable I am without a sliver of you in my life, and I re-think it all. Without you, I am a hollowed out dead skin of a person, and that's something that no one wants to be.
I think the solution to this all is that I strike up enough courage to say this to you in person, and explain every little detail that I've rehearsed so many times over and over in my worn out head. Everyone knows what's going on, it's just time for us to realize how much better each of us would be if we fessed up to each other. About everything."

as nice as all of those words sound together, it's fucked up that at one point, only two years ago, i could take something like that and feel so strongly about its parallels to my own life. i remember when i found this shit. i remember when i decided i didn't need it anymore.
fuck i used to write SO much. fucking novels. see here:

Sunday, February 22, 2009

as much as i ever could

the past few days have been fun. definetley an upper compared to last week(end). i know a lot of really good people. genuinely good people.

i'm really glad i go to vancouver in a month minus a few days. i knew when i was booking the flights that by the time march 20th arrives i'll be so into getting out of this city for a while.

i have become at peace with almost everything that has been getting to me. i don't know how or why but i am at peace.

i miss ayla. i wish she would come home alreaddy.

Friday, February 20, 2009


today i went to liquidation world in the south and got like $300 of urban outfitters clothes for $34.50. how you ask? 75% off warehouse sale shit and me stealing things. and the old old ooold ass man that rang my shit in scanned one pair of jeans instead of two. haha. so good.
i'm going to have a good night tonight no matter what. drum bum? maybe. typically. yeah. probably.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

4th dimensional transition

today was one of those days that should have been amazingly good but was so shitty. man.
i booked flights to vancouver for a grand total of $250. it's going to be my last trip out there for a really long time.
i am going to stop spending stupid amounts of money as of today. i need to stop. i spend too much. all the time. on things i don't really need. that's a first for me to say that and actually want to do it and to commit to it. time for a change.

i hate doing these things but i always do. sometimes i wonder why i still internet blog so much. i'm not a 13 year old girl that needs to constantly whine anymore... at all... but i guess i'm just used to typing out my bored time and typing out anything. everything is so censored though. kind of. i don't really know anymore. sometimes things are.

things i am thinkin/things directed to people that i don't know how to say out loud to them:
1. i'm sick of being second best to things i should be first up for. this isn't as self centred as it sounds, i promise.
2. i think i hate you but i know you are best. i don't know what to do because all i want to do is sit and talk to you and kiss you. wavers all the time because inconsistency always seems to kick my ass.
3. i'm going to miss you every day more than anything in the entire world. i love you more than any other human on the earth. you are the person that has been my only one true constant throughout my entire life and i owe everything to you. i'm sorry i get really mean.
4. i don't know where i want to be or where i should be. i don't know where i should be going. i don't know if i should stay.
5. stop spending money. appreciate what i have and be content with everything that i have. time to fucking check my head.
6. you are everything that is good but i've realized that you have some bad too. some really bad. but never bad enough for me to ever abandon you.
7. being happy with the way you look is all inside your head. as long as i'm as healthy as i can be i can be as beautiful as i choose to be. there is no picture perfect image of attraction. this is something i want every single person on the world to realize, as well as myself in the sense of going forward. being realistic.
8. i never want anything bad to happen to you. i'm so scared this won't turn out to be a phase. it's out of my hands.
9. you confuse me but never stop intriguing me. you are a challenge without the negativity of the fight. i hold you above many, i hold you apart from many.
10. self control is a vital part of success. success comes in many forms.

i'm in a weird mood. this is what happens when i'm alone at night. neversleep.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

i'll be in love till i'm dead

yesterday chrissy and i went to the mountains for the day. we packed a picnic and bundled up and went and found various spots to sit and lurk and go on little hikes. it was actually such a chill day. sitting outside smoking a j and drinking hot chocolate while surrounded by mountains and forest and blue sky and sun is the best. i really really feel as though i need a weekend retreat away from calgary soon.

today: how many times must you prove you're an angel how many more demons do you have to strangle how much longer must you remain in this dream before I finally figure out if you're insane or a genius

some things are always frustrating and become even more frustrating when i have no idea how to even start to go about making certain changes. i'm at a good point but god knows not good enough.

Monday, February 16, 2009

alll i want is sleeeep

on saturday neil came to open mic and my work with susan for a bit then we went to some weird ass party where we told everyone my name was topanga. we went to higher ground so neil could bring marlee and svea chocolates then went to zachie b's place and took THESE.

hahahaaaaaaa. i love neil and i'm glad he's one of my best friends.
saturday morning i woke up with kind of a sore throat and now i'm stuck in full blown sickness again! my immune system fails so hard... ahhhhh.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

i hate snow

i didn't get drunk tonight even though i drank too much. i hate nights when plans fall through all over the place. i love cole and darryl though? i work too soon... i'm going to hate everything when i wake up. tonight i saw aj for the first time in years...... weeeeeeeeeeird.
this entry sucks... i wish cody was here.....

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

sleeping in will be so good

since i cant drive my car i borrowed my moms car for tonight and it was fucked. it's so much faster and crazier than my car, even though it's older. i must have been going at least 60 km over the speed limit so much of the time. i drove around strathcona tonight by myself for no reason. to listen to music and smoke a joint. so chillllin i used to spend so much time up there years ago. that and christie... i was there all the time. so weird to think about. sometimes i fucking miss the people i went to elementary/ junior high with... man. like... grade seven? WEIRD. but so chillin! man. and being tight with everyone in my neighbourhood... the best.
but this evening i lurked with kim in the general kensington area then went to hes just not that into you with chrissy. that movie ruled. i had such a good time the entire time i was watching it. bahahahahaha. so good. i've realized that most of the time when it comes to relationships and dating and shit i act more like a typical dude... i don't really give a fuck and i always don't notice what people are doing, and i think 99% of the boys i come across are fucking crazy. how did i become this sketchy? i don't know. but i don't care about it either. it's fine.
i am so stoked for summer and warm weather. sooo ready for it. last spring was cool. this spring will be too. and summer will be best because of moving out and finally doing something (but really a lot of nothing and making money) and going east and everything. and cody being home home home.

this is a really weird entry

Monday, February 9, 2009

am i distant? yup.

this weekend was fun because cody was in town and i spent it getting drunk and lurking with my friends. yesterday my car decided to fail and now i don't have it until at least monday because of waiting lists also failing. my computer, or someone using my computer, deleted all my files and everything for no reason... accident or not... that sucks. i feel sick as fuck today and i don't want to go to work. i'm not doing anything i should be doing right now. or maybe i'm just not doing anything i should be doing in general... all the time. kim and kyle are home today and i'm happy.
wavering in a constant state of disregaurd for everything i should be handling with even a little bit of care.
i've slipped back into tribe called quest/souls of mischief all the time. so okay with that.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

EAST COAST! baaaaabe!

i just purchased tickets to toronto for the first week of august! ahhhhh i'm finally, definetley getting myself a) back east b) potentially back to new york for a day or two c) out of the city and faaar away and MOST importantly, and the only real reason i'm actually spending money i don't really have to fly across the country is d) KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY! i paid $400 for roundtrip... that's craaazy it should have been approximately a grand... give or take a couple hundred. ughhh i am so stoked. it's not even soon and i'm already counting days. fuck i miss kelly. so much every day. yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.
besides getting plane tickets, i have been so painfully unproductive tonight. tomorrow i think i'm going to hit lakeview bakery and superstore and planet organic or community. i am running so low on food supplies... rice bread and the likes... ahh!
i have a feeling i won't be sleeping tonight.


kyle and kim called me this afternoon while they were at the underwater aquarium that's at the harbour in victoria. i only haven't seen either of them since friday but damn do i miss them! the day kim and i live in different cities will be the start of something... that i don't realllly want to think about. today i back and forth listened to motion city soundtrack and aesop rock. i've recently re-discovered motion city soundtrack. i used to love that band... they're not good... but i like them. i think i'm in a phase with them because listening to them reminds me of a few summers ago when i would be waiting at the bus stop on fuuucccking... 6th ave and 9th street or thereabouts and it'd be 6 or 7 am and downtown would be so fucking peaceful and beautiful. i'd sit there waiting and waiting for the bus after usually walking across the 10th street from kensington, just thinking about whatever happened the previous night or whatever. i don't even really remember, i just remember i was in a time when i all i did was have so much fun. summmer i miss you. i haven't actually listened to aesop rock in a long time before today as well, too long. i have to be in the right mood for that shit but when i am daaamn do i love it.
i can't remember if it was yesterday or this morning when i was lurking the internet and found the best few pairs of shoes i've seen in so long. i only looked at the collection for a couple minutes before needing to get off the computer... i wish i could remember who they were by. i'm sure i will soon. i hope. they were beautiful. maaaaan!

Monday, February 2, 2009

sleep over winter break

i have pictures on my camera from weeks ago... always too lazy to upload to my computer. too lazy to resize so they don't take a million years to upload onto here.

fuck this. john and kate plus 8 is on right now. i'll put more on later...

Sunday, February 1, 2009

i been in this game for yeaars it made me a animal

kim and kyle go away tomorrow... what am i supposed to do for a week. but they'll have a good time, and i'm glad that they get to get away and leave the city. it'll be good for them. it would be good for me. it's good for everyone. i really really really wish i had the extra money to go somewhere. pick up and leave for even a week maybe two. east. fuuuck. the only possible time that'll happen in the near future is montreal in may... which is rad... but... that's... not now. i don't know.
i'm at a weird state... point... time... everything is weird and i have no idea why some people do the things they do. i just don't understand. i don't get itttttttttttttttt. what the fuuuuck. it's like i'm solid in my mind and everything that i focus on is okay, not in the way that it's necessarily positive or ... BETTER, yeah, better than anything else, but it just seems stable to me and when i'm forced to deal with other people's bullshit i just get almost dumfounded at how fucking unpractical and ridiculous some things are. it's weird but ... i'm okay with it. not okay with getting really fucking angry all the time but perfectly happy with everything else. just sort of... there. yeah. okay.
the past few days have been interesting. on friday kim and i did mushrooms with kyle brent and mary at the apartment. we didn't leave the vicinity of the neighbourhood all night but i liked it that way. one thing that came from that night was that i know, again, reassurance, that kim is probably the best person i know. like the greatest friend. we're on the same wave length. we thought that a belligerently wasted crackhead/homeless person was a shot/stabbed gang member... and our lives were in serious risk... at one point.. even though it was actually, in reality a really not that important or dangerous situation... we still both kept completely on the same wave length... somehow... and MAN. that was fucked up. uh. the rest of the night was spent just chilllllllin and doing cool shit. basically. i don't know. that group of people will forever rule in my eyes. saturday i lurked around all day, didn't go to work, then went to carols where CATLIN was! i haven't seen that guy in forever, he ruuuuules. later that night i somehow made my way to the drum. a lot of people were there. i was just super baked. i saw sasha for the first time in yeaaars and i still love him so much. man! also, i don't know why i should type this but i saw a group of probably the best looking boys i've ever seen in calgary walking down the street past the drum so casucally.... they were all just so fucking well dressed. i didn't know what to do. i don't even remember what their faces looked like to be honest but their clothes.... everything was just too good. how do they exist in calgary, i've never seen them before. MAN. after that ty and i went to... marks... house. the cats. the cat dog. excellent.
i got tired of writing comprehensible sentences... complete sentences. entries like these are almost useless but i just wanted to write something.