on feb 20 2007 in an old blog i quoted this from something i was reading at the time
"It's like some sort of sick wash, rinse, repeat cycle that I can't get myself out of. I try to push everything that's happened between us to the back of my mind, so far back that I don't really notice it, so far back that I can function without thinking about it. I try to forget about your voice, and your lips, your stomach, your eyes, and the reality of the chemistry we shared. I've tried to forget these things with all the willpower I have. Instead of facing up and coming clean with my feelings towards you, and how they're still strong as ever, I push it all aside. I push you aside because I know that it's so sensitive that one false move could ruin any hope we have left. When I push you aside I get a sort of constant sub-concious loneliness. What do I do to cure this misery? I convince myself that others will do. I know my power, and I know how to use it. I've been doing this too long to not get that temporary relief that nights in dark basements and backseats provide. Temporary relief, that's all it really is. These objects that are eager for my manipulation offer themselves up to me wherever I turn. Whenever I turn around, there's always that option. They're my options to ease the pain of not being able to call you mine. Not being able to talk to you freely without the chance of a fight, not being able to look at you and kiss you whenever I want. Lying to myself is just another way of convincing myself that I can have real feelings for anyone other than you. The truth is, I can't. Not right not at least.
I've gotten so good at this - pushing you aside and filling up the gashes you leave behind with fake smiles and fake kisses and fake feelings. Breaking hearts doesn't matter to me anymore, and I always feel a stab of guilt whenever I say that... but it's just the truth. Holy truth. Holy Mother of Mary where did we go wrong. I know the answer to that too. I'm full of responses even when everyone thinks I'm at a lose for words, even when I think I'm at a lose for words. I can't think of a time when I haven't known what to do or say. Back of my mind, back of my mind. Bottom line, we went wrong when we said goodbye.
Parting ways was never a smart way to tell each other how much we cared.
How much we still care.
There's days when I think that I don't need you, that I shouldn't need you, because you actually are the low life scum that you've been called by many. I could go on without you, and it's better that I do. Then I think of how miserable I am without a sliver of you in my life, and I re-think it all. Without you, I am a hollowed out dead skin of a person, and that's something that no one wants to be.
I think the solution to this all is that I strike up enough courage to say this to you in person, and explain every little detail that I've rehearsed so many times over and over in my worn out head. Everyone knows what's going on, it's just time for us to realize how much better each of us would be if we fessed up to each other. About everything."
as nice as all of those words sound together, it's fucked up that at one point, only two years ago, i could take something like that and feel so strongly about its parallels to my own life. i remember when i found this shit. i remember when i decided i didn't need it anymore.
fuck i used to write SO much. fucking novels. see here: reason364.blogspot.com
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