Saturday, January 30, 2010


" On another level, we think with different brains, get "it"... even if we don't know what "it" is, just having the capacity to understand that there's more to it than what we have. "

Friday, January 29, 2010

"this is me wanting to love every second of your existence, and nothing else really."

don't let people happen to you. don't let me happen to you.

- telling noodles my secrets. deville every day (almost). devon spitting beer/the guy that sprayed jager at us. being younger than everyone (almost). caffeinated bodies. wake up and twenty minutes later you're in front of me. fur blankets and vests and scarves and mittens. tyler leaves soon for a long time to a far away place, i'm jealous/happy for him and i'm gunna miss him (more than i already do). i live in so many places but only pay rent in one city. "barcelona owns my soul." to leave or not to leave? boys with girlfriends. church with my nonna. feathers. breakfast sandwiches. soy lattes. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.


Thursday, January 28, 2010

houses houses houses all i want to do is design ROOMS


if i had to pick a favourite celebrity... i wouldn't. i don't really like any of them. if i had to pick a someone-i-don't-know-but-actually-love i would pick this woman! no surprise, i've loved her since i was 16 haha.

what i needed - "yours!"

i feel great because i'm once again head over heels obsessed with attack in black... but this time years (by one thousand fingertips) - the kind of head over heels where when i wake up i'm stoked because it means i can go back to listening to them, haha. attack in black and danzig is all i need in life. all. i. need.

"if i did not know you i wouldn't be nearly as inspired."

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

wednesday 2:38 pm, sitting in atomic FUCK

don't get me wrong, i really do love calgary and the people in it... but i always find myself going through kelly/kira/hut/hill/java/toronto in general withdrawl and it sucks. i'm here having fun and doing stuff and everything but i can't help but think about my friends on the other side of the country all together! haha. jealousy/missing+distance = sucky. i am so glad i get kelly and kira soon. uuuuugh so happy.

last night was drunk and fun. i miss going out with my babes all the time... but i'm glad i don't drink as much as i used to. because face it... i used to drink a lot. haha.

there's something to be said about friends that have remained consistent throughout many years of your life. i have the best girlfriends ever, i'm convinced. love!

also last night humans bleeeeeew my mind, but when does that not happen...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


- not having the internet/tv at home is weird because i am actually clueless about what is happening outside of my apartment, haha.
- my hands are pretty much purple. and my feet. and my bathtub. great.
- horrible headaches.
- not working days and just LURKING all day.
- friend dates!
- holy shit, the lord of the rings. i watched the trilogy the other day and lost my mind. i used to be so obsessed, and i now remember why my number one dream has been, is, and probably always will be to be an elf in middle earth. ithilien forest, i want to live in you. haha. ughnerd.
- dear hut: have a safe trip for the next month. miss all of you and love all of you so much!
- brides are crazy. weddings are crazy. my sister's getting married to lately 50% of my thoughts/days have been geared towards matrimony. fuck, so hectic already. i can't imagine my own wedding (if/when i get married). it will be so bizzare. haha.
- im at my mom's making some veggie fuckin' taaaacos and i'm gunna get really drunk tonight!

Monday, January 25, 2010

flow sweetly hang heavy you suddenly complete me, you suddenly complete me.

i never write about music in detail, which is strange, because it is, and has allllllwaaaaays been probably the most consistent and influencing factor in my life. bands that have been a big part of my life for the last - however long. past couple years to back when i was in elementary school. the other day i was having a conversation with my mom about music, and when she was younger - teen years and twenties sort of thing - she said she was always into music, she always appreciated it and loved how it can make you feel - yet she never really devoted any part of her life to music. my father was a big fan of bands like the who and bob dylan and jimi hendrix, he saw bob dylan in montreal a long time ago - imagine?! i'm glad that somehow in the course of my life a series of events occured - my brother caring enough to show me select bands and meeting friends that opened the doors to shows and the likes - that lead me into a very musically impacted life. classical music was always a huge part of my life because of cello and being trained vigorously in classical musical for a long part of my life - and i will always appreciate, understand and have a special sort of admiration for classical and celtic music - but i find the following bands have impacted my life in different ways than anything else ever could. there are of course a lot of other bands i really do love, but these seem to be the ones that stand out most.

joy division. over the past three years this band has been a quiet constant in my life. i still find myself getting joy division obsessed every few months.

yeah yeah yeahs. i bought "fever to tell" when i was in grade 7 because i had once heard "maps" and when i saw the cd, i decided to try it out. fell in love with the album almost instantly and still to this day i listen to this band close to every day. there's always been something about them that i love.

attack in black. i had been hearing about this band for a couple years before i actually gave them a good listen, and when i did i instantly vibed to them. spring 2009 was all about attack in black - singalongs in the car with eric and chris and mushrooms in my bed losing my mind to the album "the curve of the earth." i'm listening to them right now as a matter of fact. one thing i love about this band is that when you meet people that also really like attack in black, you can bond over their music. haha. fuck i love attack in black.

celeste. uggh what a band, every time i listen to them i get shivers. lyrical intrigue combined with an almost haunting vibe and tempo makes this band so heavy yet not, and so good. definite recommendation.

the black keys. the best way i can describe this band is by using a quote once said by kim irvine to me one summer night while we were sitting on our front stoop - "the black keys make me want to do one of two things - dance or have sex." this band has such soul and everything about them i love. their music gets to you. even though they have a lot of relationship-orientated songs, they also have songs that talk about just wanting to TOUCH someone. magic band, magic magic magic. if you haven't listened to them, please do so.

descendents. obviously. no need to say more. one love.

danzig. what do i even say about danzig? great in so many ways.

saves the day. anyone who knows me well in any way knows that i am a completely devoted saves the day fanatic. i can't help it. i remember being 11 years old and hearing the first 8 or so songs off of "ups and downs: early recordings and b sides," they changed my 11 year old life. this band is perfectly pop punk and cheesy and hopelessy romantic and pathetic all at the same time. this band has been so constant in the past 8 years of my life - driving all night to ups and downs when i first got my license, screaming and crying in the front row of their 2006 concert at mac ballroom, driving to edmonton many times and having 2 hour long std singalongs. i love this band.

jawbreaker. i'd have to say jawbreaker is close to, if not my top favourite band. ever. that is all. favourite. ever.

shook ones. this band provided the perfect soundtrack for the summer of 2006, and continued to be a staple music selection in my life up until this day. i've travelled to multiple cities in various parts of the country to see this band, and even though i've seen them more than i can probably remember, i still love them. their lyrics have always gotten to me in a separate way than most other bands, and their presence and passion has always drawn me to them. shoooooook onnnnnessss

go it alone. i don't listen to a lot of the hardcore bands i used to be really into a couple years ago anymore - i just never listen to bands like floorpunch, blacklisted, cold world, have heart... and on.... i still have appreciation for them - i think i always will - but i just can't get INTO them anymore. go it alone is a big exception to this for me, i still find myself throwing on histories from time to time and still, loving it. maybe it's because some of the best times of my life had go it alone as a sort of backdrop - summers 2005 - 2007, going to van for their last show when i was 16 and having so much fun. i'll always have a place in my life for this band.

big l, the pharcyde, ghostface killah. about 2 springs ago, i went through a long, very intense hip hop phase - it was all i listened to, and most of what i thought about and talked about. these three came out as my favourites. all three = genius. assasianation day by ghostfasce with rza and gza? i have driven alone in my car singing to that song too many times.

neutral milk hotel. it with either jason or elijah that introduced me to this band many years ago, i can't remember who now. there's a few reasons why i love this band as much as i do - driving along the coast of sicily listening to "oh comely" on repeat with my brother does something to you. two, reminds me of sarah pester, whom i love more than most humans. three, their musical genius creates something that's haunting and kind of fucked up mixed with something that's beautiful and calming and makes you think. i can never get enough of this band.

sublime, jimmy eat world, oasis. these bands were my childhood. my older brother always loved these bands so inevitably, i started to love them at a very young age. music was always a strong part of my brother and i's relationship - the one thing we could really connect over no matter what. i remember sitting in my brothers room, being 7 or 8, and listening to these bands with him and even though i had no idea what kind of music it was or who it was or anything about it, i loved it. i still listen to all of these bands regularly.

graf orlock, cursed, iron lung, the endless blockade. i've decided to group these 4 bands together because a) i'm kind of tired of writing this ridiculously long blog and b) it seems fitting in the sense that these 4 bands have become definite consistent favourites over the past couple years. kim knows how crazy i've been about graf orlock - when we lived together i'd try to put them almost every time we were sitting around listening music even after she'd repeatedly ask me to put on something else, haha.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

insomnia + no internet + late nights + winter tights

some things never change. lately i feel as though i'm getting back to remembering/re-realizing things that used to matter a lot to me that somehow in the course of the craziness of the past year/year and a halfish i've entirely forgotten. or set aside. one of the two. it's not that i'm taking step backwards, i'm just seemingly becoming more aware of things i haven't paid much attention to as of late, which, i guess, in it's own sense can be seen as taking steps forward. i feel as though i used to DO a lot more and think a lot more and be more motivated about my roots... but even though, i was never really happy with anything that happened - there was always a sense of discontent. now it's like my life now - lifestyle, i should say, mixed with positive points from the past years, finally gives me some feeling of reassurance - and if not reassurance right now, a definite progression towards it. reaching a point where the person you've become meets the person you're becoming mixed with the inevitable unknown aspects of the future. i've changed completely but i've remained the same person throughout... everything, i suppose. everything is still amazing and bizarre and opportunist. i'm still missing the same people in the same far away places, but i'm also missing new people in new places. i still know best when it comes to myself, and i still want the best for everyone i love. new quadrants, new jobs, new hours, new lifestyle. i still think too much for my own good, but i now know how to keep my unnecessary thoughts to myself, the rambling ones - i guess it's not a matter of thinking too much but a matter of not letting what you think about get to you in bad ways. people come and go, but don't let the ones you have that gut feeling about get that far away from you. i'm still a momma's girl, but i know how to be separate... i'm still bad for time. i've realized that a lot of people, maybe even most people, will turn their backs and assume the worst in the simplest of situations - and that friends that automatically do this without giving any genuine chance of understanding/trying to understand really aren't that good of friends afterall. i miss imagination. i still love the yeah yeah yeahs and jawbreaker. humans still confuse me with everything they do, and i still constantly find myself thinking about the reasons behind actions, and the perspectives that develop and just... everything about human nature. i'm still separate, i'm trustworthy but i can't seem to trust anyone but myself... still. kim is still pretty much the one consistent person in my life - my mom and kim... how it's always been. al adsait is still the one that gets me best. i don't know. this is rambling, and yeah it has a point but probably not a clearly readable one. i like where i'm at... no. i love where i'm at right now. i love it. but still some days i feel like i'm actually losing my mind. but i guess i don't mind. i'm still the same in the sense that i know everything and am sure of everything but am so so so so so soooo uncertain about so much. man!

last night at work was funny. crazy blonde chicks and the door guys being the best humans. tyler ryckman dancing all over me. boys trying to hit on me by comparing how many times i've let them in at door at republik? so bizarre. seeing 5 am 3 nights in a row.
best text from last night - at exactly 4:20 am, completely out of the blue - from james - "i'm sleeping on a boat"
hahahahahahahaha. that boy.

i love beautiful houses... one day i will build the perfect place.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

keep yer options open!

the past 3 days have been really drunk and really fucked up and reallllllllllly good. yesterday was such a good day. worked for 3 hours, went to the balzac mall with chrissy and got lost too many times, went to local for dinner with danny, then even though i was planning on just staying home and not really doing anything for the night, me, mikhalia, jordan and dan ended up going to the drum, then going to habitat... getting kicked out of habitat, going back to the drum, somehow making it to broken city then somehow making it back to our apartment for bong hits and who even knows what? haha.

I AM ON MY BREAK AT WORK SO BORED AND ALONE. the only thing keeping me entertained is beezy.

i never have the weekends... so my weekends always seem to land on a sunday monday tuesday sort of thing. along those lines.

starting tonight i work non-stop for a while. ashewwweweeoo

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

haha my life is funny

the past 48 hours have consisted mainly of a) our apartment building being filled with roughly about 15 boys. tarantuia and bat'leth = good company. b) mikhalia and kim c) beers, bongs, babbbbbbbbes
the last two days have done a legitimately good job of cheering me up. i'm happpppy.
hahahaha i can't stop smiling for no real, particular reason.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

i am alone for the lack of a better word

there are no more ways to escape and no more options that make it possible to distract. get distracted. i get distracted from the things that i should be thinking about, the things that'll make it better. fill up my days. fill up my mind with a daze. it always catches me off guard when things change so fast. give me 12 hours, i'll give you a new life. give me 24, i'll make you a whole new you. far away places are callllliinnnggg myyyyy naaaaaaaaame. far away placesssssss and i can't even make this city go to sleep - i can't make it wake up. i can't make sense of what goes through most people's heads. i need to think about what's best about the worst and i can't let myself see the ruts again. i can't help it but say what i say and mean what i think. i think? everything reminds me of something and everything around here knows how to remind me of those days. stop this now. move along.
i am alone because of the lack of a better world.