Thursday, July 30, 2009


SO. i've actually started to really like working at the other atomic location, the people ruuuuule and can get weird like i do and i don't feel out of place when i do weird things or say weird things, haha... which i guess is a really important part of a positive working enviornment... sorta thing. tonight is blink 182 and i'm not going and i don't know why and i'm bummed out because no matter what i'd be so overly happy at that concert. maaaaan. i hope someone buys me a tshirt.
it's raining outside, i'm at my parents house, my bike is outside atomic. fuck maaaaaaaaaaaaaan. being that far from my bike... fuck maaaaaaan...
i go to toronto in like... four days............ foooour days. mmm kelly. haha.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

it's just as simple as the fact that i don't like his hands or what he does with them

takes the edge off, that's why, it takes the edge off. it makes it so i can sit back and not care. i makes it so i can be staring at the ceiling even though i should be staring at you. past the shoulders and passing the time. separating away from anything. separating what you know and what you think you know. in time what comes to pass will be all you have left. it's like when knowing your place means not crossing any lines. it's like when knowing your place is relevant in any way. stepping down those stairs stepping down those stones feeling like falling maybe it's just that i'm eager or it's just that you made me eager to get that again. i wanna get it again, i wanna get it again. mmm again and again. "i wish two drinks were always in me." two drinks are more often than not... always in me. what's wrong can be right and what's right could turn out to be what you don't need. in the end that's what you don't need. climbing up walls and climbing up pillars and climbing up consciousness and the fact that i can't read a single person's mind astounds me as everyone thinks they know what's going on but everyone is entirely oblivious in their own world. i can't help but talk to you and i can't help but look at you and i can't help but not really think. i don't know what i'm writing about. all i really meant to say is that it's weird but good but sucks when you miss someone you don't really know but kind of know, all for no real apparent reason and there's no reaaaal cause behind it but you just miss them and wish they were in front of you so you could talk about whatever and do whatever and i don't really get it. i guess that's just recently occurred to me, really recently.


He suddenly recalled the famous myth from Plato's Symposium: People were hermaphrodites until God split them in two, and now all the halves wander the world over seeking one another. Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.
Lets us suppose that such is the case, that somewhere in the world each of us has a partner who once formed part of our body. Tomas's other part is the young woman he dreamed about. The trouble is, man does not find the other part of himself. Instead, he is sent a Tereza in a bulrush basket. But what happens if he nevertheless later meets the one who was meant for him, the other part of himself? Whom is he to prefer? The woman from the bulrush basket or the woman from Plato's myth?

the devils in the details, in the walls someone turn the lights on got an old sinkin feelin that the wolves are on my doorstep and always have been

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

i cant control my actions. and i cant control my thoughts. and when i see the things you've done. it makes me fucking hot.

hand over mouth. whites of the eyes. these scars will heal just in time for summer. for killing season. when your old man gets home to criminal disarray you tell him icarus was here today. whatever gets you through the night. i never said that this was right. for everything you never said, for everything you never did. no roses on an unmade bed. i never said that any of this was safe and clean. when your old man gets home tell him sisyphus was right. the myth is real. you get to the top. the rock falls down the other side. again and again. and its all for naught. these scars will heal but we never what separates us from animals again? whites of the eyes. its in the whites of the eyes. hand over mouth. whites of the eyes. these scars will heal and your just in time. just in time. just in time for killing season.

i'm sitting on my stoop in the dark listening to cursed and i'm scared. there are moths everywhere.............


magic fingers

it's at the point where all i say is what do you want me to say, so go away and never turn back and never ever evvvvver steal something like that again. it's at the point where i want to run up and tell the truth but i don't think i'm really ready for that sort of scene or that sort of certainty because the thing i am most is uncertain. my head is like a 50/50 spilt between everything at the same time, yes and no fighting, and not really knowing but knowing at the same time has always been my problem. cause i think about it a lot, i said i think about (you?) it a lot. i think about a lot... a lot. shady days that i want to make good turning into things i don't know how to handle and things i don't want and things i wish would stop and when the borders of the rooms start talking silently you know something's up. something. is. up. familiar rooms that you can't even find your way around in. familiar sounds that you can't place. i wish i could help you and i know i'm helping you but god DAMN it i wish i could help you more and i wish you would do what i'm telling you because i know what i'm talking about and i'm just so fucking sick of seeing everyone get hurt. that's all you do is hurt people, make people really really really happy then hurt them, and you know that, and that sucks. and i've already told you all of this but it just gets to me sometimes i guess. games gaaames games. the air is hot and sticky and if i ever find a moment's peace i'll be sure to let you know. it's like when the lights are red and it's really loud and i hear the chords and notes and sounds and vibrations and that's when i know i love something. the truth is it sucks whenever you have to ask me what happened, and it sucks when you don't remember what i told you, but the fact that you'll always come back (home) to me is what makes everything bad okay again. you know? somewhere where friendship is actual and it's not just some sort of weird, sketchy thing. sitting in my parent's kitchen listening to cursed as loud as it can go, no wonder they're happier when i'm gone. a lot of things are fucking with me right now and i don't know why all of a sudden. i wish you could hold a conversation. i wish you could get that look outta your eyes. god you're different. god you're good. off to better places off to better places i'm off to better places. people soon will clear my head, those people i haven't seen in years, year, too long. they're gunna get me like nobody else because that's what they're best at. i really like cursed right now. so many things to do... but not at all.

Monday, July 20, 2009

the warrior the warrior

1. ugh i hardly know you but you are so great hahaha fuuuck man
2. i get you? and i got you no matter what. sort of thing.
3. sad you left.
4. deranged human, i care about you more than most people for some strange reason.
5. bumming me out man. bumming. me. out.

at worked i got moved to 2.0 and that means i don't work with jack or george or jess and that SUCKS. bums me the fuck ouuuut work was so hilarious every day because i just hung out with two of my good friends all day. and now i'm the new girl again and don't know anybody, haha. fuck.
today i bought in clothes... for the first time in so long. it made me feel so good. hahaha. i need lots of money for toronto so i can satisfy my lack of shopping and new clothes in my life. i used to be obsessed with that shit, cared so much about stuff like certain collaborations between certain names and drops and new shit and just augh. everything surrounding that culture i loved and even though i'm not as into it now i can't help myself from lurking the internet and paying some attention to it. haha. i still get excited for new releases from like... huf and supreme and visvim ahahahahahah i love it.
god DAMN it i wish i was balllin right now.
weird mooo0ods. today was strange and so was yesterday. something is strange. i've realized something that i don't know yet. i'm expecting it? whaat.
ive come to the conclusion that if kim and i dont have ichi ban, ciggarettes, rice, some sort of juice, chicken, and weed in the house... we're fucked.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


my head is full of bullshit and i think too much about too much and i'm glad i'm one of those people who can switch certain things off if i really want to and i can decide to care or not care and any way that things happen to turn out is fine by me. that is what i like. that is what i like to be. one of those. i guess.

then... i remember that i first of all, LEAVE CALGARY and EVERYTHING CALGARY in two weeks.

now lean in and taste me

time again to make a few little changes, i need a pace that isn't like this... almost like this... but isn't like this. when i feel that then i know it's time to fuck around a little bit more or maybe a little bit less. i'm better than a lot of things that i sometimes think are above me, and i bet a few people get that too. underestimating yourself can lead to fucked up shit. i don't know. scream save me, i'm not the one who needs any saving. familiar feeling in my stomach that comes from late nights on end and rooms that can suck you in and looking at people in the eye and when everything feels fucked up i melt awaaaaaaay. getting up and doing shit, getting up and doing it again, getting up and neverrrr falling back down.

i was smiling hard but i was lying.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

just calm down you found me

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat, the upstairs of our house is like a little oven even with the doors and windows are open.
"smoking a joint, thinking about you"
a lot of the shit i do is pretty pointless and normally has a singular aim to make me laugh or make me and kim laugh and sometimes i think that might not be a good thing but then i remember that i don't really... you know... give a fuck... i like having fun more than mostly everything else. my fucccckin body hurts and i wish it would stop.
peculiar bruisesss.

the road's gunna get on me

my arms are all twisted the only thing I miss is I messed up I missed it, I messed up, the missing of you it's getting to sound like they’ve seen you around with her, no mystery no mystery no mysteries everyone knows the secretest code of mine they'll tell all my friends and they'll tell all my enemies too mystery no mysteries no mysteries no mystery no mystery no mysteries
well I don't even know what it's like not to go back to you I don't even know who I like less you or me, you or me, you own me oooh well it's anyone's, anyone's guess it's anyone's, anyone's guess stress, stress, stress, twist, stress, stress, stress, stress, stress

i miss zache and adam... i haven't seen them in a full like... 22 hours because they went to edmonton last night... i don't like not having them in front of me .. or two blocks away at their house. family matters.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing that you've ever, ever had. the best thing you've had has gone away.

what freaks me out is never knowing what part of right now i should or shouldn't be paying enough attention to or taking for granted or anything like that. 6 months from now i might kill for anything that's happening right now but right now i don't know well enough to take a second look or give in for 5 seconds of my life. i just don't want to miss anything that i might one day miss... i want to soak in everything just in case. i want to soak in everything just for the chance of finding something to hold on to? i don't know. i've always thought like this, and i always pass by things. my mind is 100% different than it was a year ago, two years ago, five years ago... i don't know.

i dont need you i dont need you i dont want you here my tolerance for ignorance it lessons every day infatuation with regression

finally summer weatherrrrrrrr finally another bike finally friday tomorrow and finally i go east in ... 17 mother FUCKING days. uggggh finaaaaaalllly.

i thought i had things to blog about but... nope

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Monday, July 13, 2009

into you like a train

it's nights where my stomach gets weak and my heart gets weak and i start singing those lines from those songs over in my head because the music's off and your hands are cold and i can see the walls and windows and floors and ceilings but i don't know if i can quite see you yet. that's the problem within this problem is that i just don't know whether to believe you. haven't said a word. haven't said a god daaaaamn word. and i feel bad when i think of it and i feel bad when i think of you but haven't you every heard of self preservation? or self reliance? or self... reliability. think of the relationship every single person has with themselves, the relationship that your subconscious voice builds with your conscious voice and how fucked up that is that MINDS exist. i wanna wrap my legs around you. i wanna make amends for being that person whenever i'm that person and the only real reason i'm saying that is because i know you'll get it somehow. but mostly i just wanna get wrapped up without paying any consequence or paying any respects or paying up in any way. when you scream in my face i just can't help it but brush it aside because at the end of these nights it doesn't really bother me. riding my bike home in the pouring rain through streets that i can comfortably refer to as my home. driving fast and listening to jawbreaker. the secrecy is part of it. the option is the rest. my head feels full but i'm okay to sit and think.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

i believe in love i believe in cancer

i think... i'm going to start maybe playing cello more again. today i went to my parents house and got my cello and some music... the other day jack and i had a big conversation about it... and... yeah. i miss it. i tuned it today with my half working tuner for the first time in a long time. i need to play it so it sounds better than it does right now. it's weird reading music, and reading complicated music, after i haven't even glanced at a page of music for probably like 8 months. probably more. you forget so many little things, and it's weird that my fingers and hands don't automatically know where to go anymore, that bums me out. the fact that i actually have to think about that stuff now. not playing for so long does that so fast.
i love graf orlock and municipal waste. and the strokes. and iron lung. just... so much.
today kim and i watched funny games in my bed. that movie is fucked.

1. i didnt like how you couldnt stand but you needed me 2. the things i would do 3. safety first

on friday night zache beat some dude that was tripppin in the head with a u-lock then on our getaway on our bikes through downtown i somehow fucked up enough to eat shit on the concrete and now i have cracked ribs and bruises and cuts all over my body. then i went to the atomic party and got drunk with my coworkers and friends. saturday jack and i went to gerrys then i went to my sisters house and drank whiskey sours for a while. after that i went home to bridgeland and proceeded to get wasted again, then went to levis and rode on the back of a boy's motorcycle then a fight of chongos vs friends happened and i ended the night covered in kyle's blood, eating ichi ban with carly, and staying up in my living room with kim zach patrick and kin. weekend recap. my body hurts and i'm hungover but i'm happier than i've been in a long time. which i guess is what actually counts. i'm happy.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

the windows are just so dark

today zache kim and i went to see public enemies and on the way there almost got caught smoking a joint by the river by a police van, we missed it so last minute.
i'm sitting in my living room baaaked and tired and happy and awake and alone and maaaan. one of my favourite parts of the day, any time i sit in my living room and do nothing and smoke weed. hahaha. today all i have done is think about things that i haven't thought about in a long time. like little tiny specific things that haven't crossed my mind in a substantially long time sorta thing. messing with me in a way. weiiird. and other things. i don't know.
yeah. i don't know.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

you know glass cant exist without sand, but your focus can't be torn, cause I wanted to like you for the people in who chased away that common place.

slide away and cotton sheets and rooms with no lights on at 630. morning evening midday nap time. up down up down up down up down. being busy and staying up all night alone. second guessing every god damn thing that you think of. because i say maybe baby. take a hint. pick up. it's raining every 20 minutes here and it doesn't bother me, outside sounds and feels like some sort of midwest rainforest. i wanna walk down 5th ave and buy a pretzel then lay in the grass of the park. i shouldn't let everything get to me, and i shouldn't think this much, about absolutely everything, and sometimes i just wish i was one of those people who just saw things the way they are and just... that's it. no real thought or analyzation beyond that. simple, this is the way it is, accept it. don't drive yourself fucking crazy over nothing. the rainforest weather just turned into a hail storm to the point of which i needed to get up and close the window because rain was going through the screen and raining inside. today i can't shut it off, today i can't shut it offfffff...


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

weird moods are making me cra-cra-craaazy!

but jeff just told me he's gunna be in nyc august 2-9 so that means the 5th i need to be there, and go with jon maybe? jon and alex. then jeff. then my baaaaaaaaaaaabes! AHHHHHHHH puts me in the best mood thinking about ny. aaahah.

i know how easily it can happen i know how easily it happens i know how easily it's happening but i still don't know

keep my mouth shut and close the door. keep my mouth shut and close the door. one day things will be the same. one day things will be different. one day things will never stop mixing. they're always mixing. downtown on my bike alone in the middle of the night and what do you expect me to think about? this this this this this this and this. listing them off like i already knew what i was talking about. because sometimes i get there and i get that and i get this fucking feeling in my stomach or in my chest or in my throat and i can't tell what it is because it's just there. making shit up to invent your own amusement. exploring the entire world and coming home to your favourite nooks and places and people. because i hope you're not fucked up like that and i hope they're not fucked up like that and sometimes it's good to just hear you or hear from you more likely and i never wanted you to lie to me and i never wanted to lie to you and i never wanted us to somehow fuck up that much to the point of affecting each other in that way and it still gives me shivers and it still scares me to death and in some ways you'll never go away because you were it for too long. getting shook up not because of you. that's the most fucked up part. i am not shook up because of you. i'm shook up because other things remind me of it and then i start thinking and i never honestly thought it was ever possible again for me to ever have a single serious thought like this again. ahhh what the fuck. it's not because of you! but some things make me remember you! and the fact that those things make me do so iiiiiiiiiisssssss not okay. it's not okay. that is not o.k. i don't know what's going on yet i know perfectly well. no. i know what's going on sometimes but i don't know what's going to happen. i need to stop thinking and go fucking... chill out...

i want a babuska doll tattoo. as soon as i have money. that's what i'm getting.

"you're a faggot. word to your mother you're a faggot."

i feel as though i need to remind the internet of my love for these shoes...

kim and i made salmon for dinner... with rice
mmm now we're sitting in the living room...
i don't really know what to say... hahahah what

Thursday, July 2, 2009

hello 516 9th street NE

kim and i moved into our new house yesterday! we already have basically everything pretty much set up. needless to say it rules, our house is beautiful.
happy baby