Sunday, May 31, 2009

climbing across

When I like you it's total revenge. I want to, but I can pretend that I don't need to be by your side again.
Wrap me up in a plastic case, pat me down with your warm embrace.
I wanna know where you lay your face at night for all these years.

You're a problem that I can't abide. I could sleep well if only I tried but I stay up and dream of a bride to be, Oh me, Oh my.

Give it up I can't wait no more.
I am stuck on your bedroom floor. With the thought that I may not be as great as those who came before.

There's a man assigned to me and he checks on my stability. We discuss you every week, then I rinse and rinse, repeat.

But maybe, I can show you, baby, maybe, I can relax for good,
Whoa baby, I can show you, maybe, baby.

There's a man assigned to me and he checks on my stability. We discuss you every week then I rinse and rinse, repeat.
And he charges by the tear til I weep no more strictly out of fear that I can't afford your love and the moon just burns above.

big clouds dark clouds. sketchbooks when i can't find the drawing i drew that i lost. how dark your eyes are! sometimes i'm scared for the next time i see you. sometimes i'm just scared. but not really. what's my reason maaaaaan! slopes of the roof and that's what equals rise over run. sitting across and hearing talk. talk talk talk. i don't want to see that speech bubble.

"what's the difference between jelly and jam? i can't jelly my dick up your ass"

leaves look
in the

my feet and ankles are bruised up cut up. a sign of summer. thursday i got wasted with chrissy and kirby and saw a lot of people i love and got borderline too wasted and danced a lot and lurked a lot. when chrissy and i got home i couldn't understand tv. friday kim mar and i got drunk in p.i park with peter charles kyle and charlotte and then went to the embassy and then to stonehedge. then kim and i went to the drum, paloma was there. i love paloma. somehow kim left and went home earlier and i didn't know what was happening so i lurked downtown for a while. mitch was yelling in a megaphone and geoff was just yelling. what else is new. haha. yesterday i got a job then ended up going to the embassy and zache and i got wendys at 230 in the morning and then mike got us baked and i went home and watched movies. RECAP.
i'm bored i have nothing better to do then blog.
now i'm going to go bike ride and find a nook to chill at. maybe i will stop by sam's house because i haven't seen that babe in months and you know... he lives across the alley from me. haha.

Friday, May 29, 2009


last night i got reaaaaaaallllllly drunk and had such a random amazing night, hahaha. i don't know how i wore 2 and a half inch heels the whole time? haha. so funny.
it's fucking unreal outside. i'm going to go get food then clean myself up then fuuuuckinnnnnng go to kims and ride bikes and get drunk again. sounds good.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

i love the duel 2

today i saw kerry and noelle and keith all at once randomly downtown a couple hours ago and it reminded me of when i was 14? haha. and used to see those people every day. they're good people. i miss them. i hope they're doing well.
today i realized something really weird and slightly startling and i don't know what to think or do about it.
i don't know.
edmonton was fun. good to clear my mind.
i'm going to stop talking...

Thursday, May 21, 2009

i forgot my cellphone in my dads car uuuuuuuugh

1. don't think i'm some naive girl. i know everything already, haha... and you probably don't know i know. you think you're being a sneaky mother fucker but in reality you're kind of a shit head but i still want you. uh what?
2. we're both too fucked up but okay at the same time. you're my best friend above all others. i only want you to be happy. we're gunna build a home together!
3. i have the biggest crush on you. oh my god. hahaha. but actually...
4. somehow we've gotten to know each other a little bit more than we both expected? you rule. i love your mind. you're a babe. i just think you're great, no matter how far you are! haha.
5. i'm glad we've become closer friends because even though i've known you for years i never really knew you. nothing to come but good times... haha
6. you are the ultimate trippp of my life right now. the best thing about us that i don't care what happens i just like being friends and having fun with you.
7. you confuse me. you always kind of have. i want to know you better and on different sort of levels because i like the person you are... no matter how crazy you've been or are. something about you!
8. i don't know what happened, i don't know if it's you who turned on the hate or if it just happened for no reason. i hope it's the second one. i miss you so much every single day and i hope we can talk this out soon.
9. you've become someone that i trust to the point of being comfortable telling my secrets that i don't tell really tell anyone to. thank you for putting up with me. i hope that if you're upset you feel as though you can talk to me too.
10. i never know if you mean it or not... you're fucked up. seriously fucked up. i get it but... i don't know.
11. you annoy me to no end, that's all. everything that comes out of your mouth is something i feel as though i need to contradict. it sucks.
12. i love you and i miss you and i hope that i start seeing you on the regular again soooon babe.
13. i miss you every day. nobody gets me in the way you get me. soon we'll be together. ugh i just miss you so much my beautiful girl.
14. i miss your house and your neighbourhood and everything about you. you're one of the most genuine friends i have. i'll see you soon and i know i'll cry, haha.
15. you're seperate but the same. you mean more to me than so many people, on such a different level. i miss you with all my heart.

i don't know why i just did this.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

also, my father just told me that against me sounds like "wild cowboy music" and that i should burn him a cd. hahaha i wish everyone knew my dad. i'm going to miss living at home so much because of random shit like that......

ain't nobody got u like i got u

i'm probably the luckiest person i know to have a friendship like the friendship that kim and i have... straight up. i've always known this, but sometimes it takes taking a step back to realize how amazing she actually is and how happy i am to have her in my life. we've been through a lot... that sounds boring and over-said but i can bet that nobody really understands how much we've been through except kim and i ourselves. bottom line. kim rules. she's better than you. and i love her with allllllll my heart.

Monday, May 18, 2009

i love the duel 2. i don't know why. but i think it's because i love the real world... and the duel just has a bunch of past real world people on it. mj is the kind of man i wouldn't mind marrying. ya know? i just love him so much. he is great. haha.
i don't watch tv... except for when i'm home with nothing to do i watch random shows on they're funny. i can stand them. there's no commercials. it's alright.
i've been being crazy. i know it's not over. i'll get through it though...

lazy bones - green trees -

i want to ride a bike in the rain. i want to garden with my mom. i want to bake cookies. i want to stay up talking. i want to feel better. i want to figure you out a little more. i want to ask questions. i want to read. i want to remember. i want to not sleep for a week and see what i think then. i want to show what is in my head. i want to start being better. i want to clean my room. i want to give my dog a bath. i want to go fishing. i want to drive. i want to work. i want to be busy. i want to sit and think. i want to be selfless. i want to make a few things right again. i want to learn. i want to get drunk. i want to be alone. i want to look at you. i want to walk down streets i miss. i want to eat vegetables more. i want to be out in the parts of the world i've passed by before. i want to be out in parts of the world i've never experienced. i want homemade italian food, in italy. i want to see men who sell my brother roses to give to me. and i want my brother to buy one. and give one to me. and to my sister. and to my mom. i want to play piano again. i want to tune my cello. i want to play music. i want to write music. i want to express. i want to read as many books as i can. i want to watch as many films as i can. i want to watch my favourite films with the people that i know will like them like i do. i want to sit on a roof in china town again like we did last summer. i want to make peace. i want to continue. i want to leave. i want to paint my nails because they're chipped and gone.i want to lay in grass. i want to get baked. i want to meet people that are completely opposite to what i'm used to, just to see the differences. i want to travel in time. i want to climb buildings. i want to find boundaries. and cross them. i want to live in a lot of places. i want to go to a lot of places.
if the rain stays all week i'll be perfectly fine with thaaaaaaat

it's raining and i love it sooo much because i love rain sooo much

friday was a sabertooth show, and after we went to neils dads birthday at neils house, then went to marcels place. weird night, good night. funny people all the time haha. i really don't feel like leaving my house today. i really don't feel like leaving my house for the next two weeks. i can sleep to 1 pm so easily. i wake up and don't know what to do. haha.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

i say SPLASH! jesus christ girl what the hellll do you think you look like right now? leeeaf. leave. what happens in the s phase of the cell cyle? dou


leather sandals

next weekend i'm going to edmonton and i'm glad because i know that durell and i know will find good things to do and i'm just looking forward to sitting down and talking to him because he gets it. smoking weed and contemplation and mellowing out. i'm going to buy a dress and maybe shoes and maybe a few summer clothes in edmonton too. i'm excited to drive by myself. i love highway drives in my car. the lines on the road and the fields that don't reaaaalllly seem to end on either side. i haven't seen a lot of my family in a long time. i haven't been away from this city since ty and i went to vancouver in the fall. too long. i wish i had the money to go to van. and fuck around and be by the ocean and see the people there that i haven't seen in so long. go to vic. maybe i'll go to van isle hardcore fest again, it was fun last year. so many straight edge kids... but sarah kenzie and i just sat in the vans on the other side of the parking lot drinking beer with our friends and somehow getting really drunk. i remember that tons of people stayed at sarahs that night. we stayed up late and listened to giles play guitar and sing songs. stupid songs. the best songs. he's so funny. i miss all of those people. it seems like i don't even talk to any of them anymore. and in december '07 when i went out there with neil for gia's last show... and then got stranded in vancouver because of a freak snow storm that turned into solid, pouring rain for so long. going to the grocery store with noogz and jenell. staying at aimee's place and having no real idea of where i was at any given point. wandering downtown and east van in the summer completley alone and talking to random people and sitting by the water and finding things and exploring. and going to waves at night with cody, and doing mushrooms with cody alex and mike. i remember when mike and i walked to machs on mushrooms and we couldn't tell if the road we were walking on was a hill or not or when the slurpee machine was covered in beautiful glittering snow and it was soooo great. hahaha. laying in lawns of clover on the side of kind of main roads. how every street had a different character. walking up and down commercial drive on a busy late night soo fucked up haha. laying in bed and staring at the ceiling being a race track? orrr the night when cody, adam, kp and i went to some lake thing in the middle of a neighbourhood and layed on a dock and listened to water bugs and looked at the stars and talked. sitting in livestock for so long on a day that i decided to downtown lurk by myself, and talking about the stupidest stuff for so long, then going and getting hot dogs and coolers. i don't remember the boys' names that i was with even, but we had a weirdly good afternoon? haha. i sound crazy. i'm not thinking and typing memories.

kick start my heart

something about that place got me man. it got me. it has me. people who look like other people. people who talk in a different way than you imagined. dust in your eyes. having the nerve to do things that you never thought you'd see happen. loud high pitched laughs from people that should never make you want to hit something. all i want to do is fucking choke you to death. the way the floor moves. the way the room moves. the way things stay exactly still and nobody notices. objects. if you can't see it it could be an illusion. the unknown. "i never asked for the world." you'll never know because you're always looking. but ignoring everything else. why do only certain people that catch your eye? what about everyone else. drawn to. drawn in. can't help but feeling a little resentful. a little bitter. a whole lot of connection. feline faces with invisible whiskers. how much you can tell from the look in someone's eyes. the fear. always noticing the fear. i never used to notice it, i do all the time. it's one of the things that comes from it. that stupid fucking light that puts you on the same level. when you're told things. the best intentions that are plagued with ignorance. the kind you can't help. i like my friends the best because they get it and they know and they've been there and here and the future is just what's going to happen and you have control. "she eats her kids." it's not in what we smoked it's in what we think. "i'll find you and i'll kill you." faces in hills and eyes in everything else. is that the only reason you haven't bothered me yet today? because i swear that sound is doing something to me. i swear to god these hands these legs these eyes mean something more than something to move things with. moving mountains. moving hearts. moving thoughts. the power that is in consciousness. the integrity. the conscious that plagues subconscious. most of all i just wish i had something to do with all this spare time. she said she'd always come back and she said she'd always remember and if that's what you hold on to than that's what's going to get you in the end. lines that are crossed. boundaries that are made. even though it sucks it's true that you can't just put both feet in and expect everything to be fine. just because you're you. i don't give a fuck. "it made me think that everything was about to arrive - the moment when you know all and everything is decided forever." i didn't know what was happening to me. "IT! IT!" "That Rollo Greb is the greatest, most wonderful of all. That's what I was trying to tell you - that's what I want to be. I want to be like him. He's never hung-up, he goes every direction, he lets it all out, he knows time, he has nothing to do but rock back and forth. Man, he's the end! You see, if you go like him you'll finally get it." he looks good enough to kill. that place! the streets and the buildings and how when you look down the street any street you can only see the sky if you look directly up above you. and looking down. damn. looking down. how small things look from far enough away. physically being in the middle of a conversation. all i could see clearly was your shoes. i wish you guys didn't have the same name as each other. getting yourself messed up to the point of zero vulnerability because a state of calamity can be reached. not talking. because i don't want to look at you. dreaming in the middle of the day. it's just like why are you doing any of that and what are you actually trying to prove? because you're not proving anything. "but most of the time we were alone mixing up our souls ever more and ever more till it would be terribly hard to say good-by. At midnight we got up and goofed toward the highway."

Thursday, May 14, 2009


i love my friends because seeing them always makes me feel a little bit better. i love my mom for having the best mind and being so amazingly smart and being so great and helping me with anything i need. i love getting it all out on paper because it makes me feel better. i love the weather warming up. i love this weekend is a long weekend. i love tomorrow is friday. i love getting a bike back soon. i love agreements that'll do nothing but improve my life and state of mind. i love my dog for being the most unreal guy. he is so amazing all of the time. i'm so sad he's getting really old and starting to have crazy health problems. i love him so much.
i love my friends because i can tell them that i cried multiple times throughout the day for no reason and they get it. and they don't mind. and they love me anyway. it's a good feeling. having people around you that you know give a shit.
i'm happy about the way i grew up and the kind of house i was brought up in. the schools i went to. the people i was exposed to. the things i wasn't given and the lessons i learned from that. my family has money but i've never really been spoiled. i've always been taught to get what i want for myself and be independent and take care of the things i need and the things i want. such factors in me being the way i am now, even if i am a little messed up sometimes and think kind of crazily and can get just... crazy... i know things will turn out okay. i know that everything will be okay. i know that this rut i'm in right now is going to turn out for the better because i have the mind set to fix things and everyone i give a shit about is there for me if i need them... yeah. it's a good feeling. everything that happens is supposed to happen and will happen no matter what. it's just up to me to embrace anything the best i can. be positive. even if i'm sad and even if i'm reaaaaaaalllly sad it'll be okay. it'll pass... it's okay. love life.

every day we d i e a l i t t l e m o r e e e e e e eeee

when you look at things too long and maybe let your mind loose a little too much and the walls start to move and the pictures start to turn and the look in your eyes has to make it obvious. days when you'd rather be alone and listen because if anyone says anything to you you might break out in tears. and then remember you're crying for nothing, to no one. then you remember how fucking panicky everything makes you. and they start talking again. and you can do nothing but nod. everything is good and everything is beautiful and if you're not careful you're going to loose track and loose everything you've worked up. and sounding stupid. and sounding pointless. and things that used to make you laugh make you upset. you're not like anyone else. nobody's like anyone. but we might all be exactly the same?

i don't understand.

i don't think i've ever felt this separate in my life? it's not necessarily bad. it's just separate. and different. and secluded and so uncertain. and then it's like a change reaction. looking in the mirror and wanting to look away as soon as you meet the look in your own eyes.
i hope nobody in their right mind looks at this and reads it. because i know they wouldn't get it...
today's been too weird.................. i wish my momma was here........

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

+ im talking to myself at night because i cant forget back and forth through my mind like a cigarette the message comin from my eyes says leaveitalone

Don't want to hear about it, every single one's got a story to tell. Everyone knows about it, from the Queen of England to the hounds of hell. And if I catch it coming back my way I'm gonna serve it to you, and that aint what you want to hear but thats what I'll do. And the feeling coming from my bones says find a home.
I'm going to Wichita, far from this opera for evermore. I'm gonna work the straw, make the sweat drip out of every pore, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding right before the lord. All the words are gonna bleed from me and I will sing no more, and the stains coming from my blood tell me go back home.

white stripes lyrics? yes no? today was good. paloma and i went to codo where ayla met us for a bit and ate viet food. theeeen i went an applied at community health foods? then we went to kims. then we went to cat's eye vintage and then i applied at a few more jobs. i'm slowly but surely starting to flood my resume out to more stores than just a few. a few a day? sounds good. someone give me a fucking call back already... getting a job right now sucks so hard. maaan.
for some reason for the past couple days i've been in a decently better mood... which i'm really glad about. yesterday and today... good days. warm days. today when paloma and i were driving through bridgeland to kim's i saw LEAVES ON THE TREES. blowing my mind. auuugh i am so so sos os osososo stoked for summer. i need to cut the stress because only a miniscule amount of it is actually necessary.
may long camping? saturday with the girls? who the fuck is even going. hahhahahaha. i am stoked...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

wait for 530 i gotta go change my life captain i swear im gunna go change my life and yours too! ill come back for you dun ever think i wont come back

my life is made up of constant stress, that's all. actually that's a lie. that's not all. my life is made up of me being a giiiiant stressball mixed in with friends that listen to me talk about nothing and friends that i love to listen to and constant thought and constant observing and drinks and words and ink and paint and tears and rain and movies and books and showers and driving and killing and annnnnnnd and constant motion. babely boys with eyes i like to look at. i think that's it. constant motion. moving moving moving and the pace of a day seems so fucking fast but the pace of a week seems fast in the way that you don't really notice how much time has gone by or how much of nothing you've accomplished. and when you realize how much STUFF you have to get done you just want to go to bed and not leave the house and not really talk to anyone. doing things you know you shouldn't even think about. i'm not allowed to think about that buuuuuuuut i KNOW both of us do anyway. it's the STUFF that gets to me. the stuff that i don't want to do that is deemed vital by everyone else. not everyone. the bigger idea of everyone. you get the idea. all that fucking stuff that i know has to be completed and completed well but i still can't find the time to give a shit about? none of it will make you understand the world more... it won't make you understand how you feel more... how others around you feel... it won't help you explore in any significant way. wanting something more. striiiiiiving for something more. desperate for something more. a lot of bullshit wrapped up so tight that it takes a lot to relieve the frustrationnnnn. losing interest.......

there's a lot of things i wish i could say..... or... moreso express. yeah. that's it.

i need a mother fucking JOB. FUCK.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Saturday, May 9, 2009

you keep speaking

This is really only all we have: (Bury all of me) Daytime. Twilight. Pitch black. Night light. (Before I have a chance) Coldest eyes, and the softest touch. (To open my eyes and see you laughing.) Daytime. Twilight. Pitch black. Night light. These typed letters. (Is this all we have?) Beneath me. (Or is this all just twilight beyond the skyline) Fuck with these buttons and knobs long enough (Blinding me) And maybe things will... turn out fine.
Hide behind your crystal screen and blow kisses at me. ...Said wouldn't happen.... Go.
Write your name on my chest in kerosene.
Spark a match, and you, won't be cold again.
This is really only all we have: Daytime. Twilight. Pitch black. Night light.
Coldest eyes. You had the coldest eyes, and the softest touch. Daytime. Twilight. Pitch black. Light! Gag and... destroy me. Gag and... destroy me.
(Sorry I didn't hear you) I have a (I was busy Dying in the corner) Collection of thunder that I stole (Those three words) I stole. That I stole. (Destroyed every inch of me and you keep) From your windowsill. (Speaking.) Stole... from your windowsill.

bury all of me before i have a chance to open my eyes and see you laughing. is this all we have? or is this all just twilight beyond the skyline, blinding me. sorry i didn't hear you, i was busy dying in the corner. those three words destroyed every inch of me and you keep speaking.

it doesn't really matter what i do as long as i'm around friends that i want to be around... that's what i know.
listening to music i loved years and years ago. everything is sort of strange. weird places. place. ment. you know?

Thursday, May 7, 2009

quiet houses

he is so great........

i don't know what to do tonight. i think i'm going to go sit at cabin. then maybe go somewhere else. maybe just go home...

my life.................

the most vulgar girl is sitting beside me drinking a beer. its 215. im in a library.

what the FUCK

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


never ending story is the most fucked up movie.

Monday, May 4, 2009

i need to find me a cure babbby

people say such unnecessary things so often. that's what today has been. everyone i've talked to except for kim and two random boys have done nothing but be entirely unnecessary. i have no idea what's going to get me out of this fucking rut i'm in right now. one week today and i've been the shittiest i've been in so long. this sucks. you suck. everything sucks. usually i'm an optimist... especially in my thoughts. i'm nothing but hate right now. that sucks. i hate being like that. like this. all i do is blog and think about how fucking stupid so much is. and at the same time i love people and love the world and have an okay time but... COME FUCKING ON. bitter as fuck. i don't give a fuck... but somehow i care about everything too much. everything affects me too much. makes me too mad. makes me too happy. mostly mad though. i used to be able to flip it and only let positive things influence me and if bad things happened or if i got in a bad state i'd be so good at pushing out of it and being so happy the entire time. the past week has been the longest week of my life.
fuck it.


because some days it's just like wake up, wake up, wake up and when you going to be here baby? i think that at times like this it's the thought that counts because i very well can't go grab your hand. opening eyes after hands covering faces. i never knew what i wanted from you and i know you always thought open ended. it's just these days. these waking up days. when i know that i know that i don't know when you'll be in front of me again. you're like a secret life without me having to hide you because there's just nothing to hide. you're just separate but a part of everything. and i miss you. some days i wake up and by the time my 5 oclock alarm rings i'm so worn down that all i wish i was was that girl that met you for lunch outside radio city and we'd spend 20 minutes. quarter past 5 oclock again and i wish i waiting for the subway car with you. getting on. getting off. being away. being with you? i wish i was on houston. i wish i was on broadway. i wish i was even on canal. it's nights like these that i'm just like fuck this city you'll never measure up. nights like these that i know one day i have to leave. frustration getting the best of me. people getting the best of me. nostalgia getting the best of me. you've always been able to get the very best of me!
never sleeping.
never sleeping.
never breathiiiiiiiiiing!!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

sailin on

people need to learn how to be less angry. less selfish. less inconsiderate. less mean. more observant. but actually observant... get a grip on what is actually going on around you. more in touch. less in touch?
i will be less angry and more selfless and considerate. more appreciative.
directed towards everyone and myself.
i'm going to go smoke weed at the river soon and listen to music i used to love so much.
i just need to get past rough patches without a clouded head.
it's always been me. by myself. i only have myself. complete aloneness is something i'm okay with. loneliness is the worst. but being alone... i can do that. i don't want to be lonely i just want to be alone.

i'm glad may long camping is soon.

sitting around.
yesterday was the warmest day outside in so long. i went downtown by myself then randomly met up with zache, jack and adam and lurked outside people watching and doing nothing for hours. then we went to the embassy. then i went for vietnamese with cody. then ayla and i went to kims then went BACK to the embassy then to rotary with everyone. all i wanted to do yesterday was sit around and be with friends, even if that meant sitting on a bench in rotary watching my friends being really drunk and doing strange tricks on their bikes... haha. i don't know. we ended up leaving early. then i ended up driving people around. and then going home... and then not knowing why or how i was home so early on a saturday night, with nothing to do, and no real reason for leaving. i don't like the feeling of being THAT person that drives people around just because they want to go somewhere... even if i wasn't in a sense being used for my car.... it seemed like it. it never seems like it. i fucking hate that. anyone who drives i know can understand that. you don't want to go, you end up going, then you just drive with gas you shouldn't be using because you can't afford it. so lame. this is angry. sorry.
today i bought dresses, ran into ayla, built a bed.

i still need a job.


Saturday, May 2, 2009

god damn

it's weird when you realize you care about things that you never really thought you cared about and you still am not really sure! fuucked. last night was fucked. i had a bad night. actually not a bad night, just a bummed night. story of my life recently... and that sucks. people annoy me. i only want to see my good friends and people i actually like. i think today i'm going to do what i do every day and go to 17th and lurk hard and sit outside and read and write and drink coffee. that is all i do. i'm okay with it. i wish i was making money. stress.