Thursday, April 22, 2010

sugar cupcakes chocolate frosting windy skies and trembling

ahhh back in calgary i don't even understand how i am here. i'm stoked to be home to my bed and apartment and bike and babes buuuuut there's just a part of me that is so sad. last night turned out to be the best night, best night but worst night because the entire time i just knew i had to leave! andrea (such a babe), kelly, michelle and i went to java for dinner then went to kelly's to drink. we went to 751 early and just continued drinking. i'm glad the hut will be in my apartment for a while in july because every time i leave toronto it just gets harder to say bye to any of them. maaan i love them, joe and i bond so hard sometimes and hill is just well.. hill. you know. anyway. mark played good music at 751 and i feel as though we might have made vik almost too uncomfortable while we were legitimately grinding him. after 751 a bunch of us went to lakeview for late night food then back to kelly's to chill while i finished packing/until we had to leave for the airport. it was just going to be kelly and i transitting to the airport but it ended up me, kell, kira, andrea, andrew and mark all in a van cab to take me. so good. i was so happy, such a good feeling having a group of amazing people going to that much trouble to go to the airport at 5 am and waiting with me until i actually had to go. so sad to say goodbye. awww man! today i've just been lurking around, trying to sleep... going for dinner with chrissy soon which is good.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

i hope i die without a sound.

ripped out of space and she told me she couldn't stay another day. rip it out of my mind and he can't stand it. i swear to god i'd take the sharpest knife in my kitchen and cut around your scalp just so i could see an ounce of feeling in your eyes. feel some warmth of your blood all over my chest and hands. who knows now what'd make you sway in a way that you'd decide to put a stop to this and just move on for a few minutes. when you can't stand their voice then you're not supposed to give second chances and now i've found myself alone with a million subsequent answers. i just want to melt because i've never really been this bored. 'i know i'm nothing to me.' i just feel sick all the time. i guess as i was leaving last night i had this weird moment of truth where it hit me that none of this matters, it just doesn't matter. it matters in some sort of time and space and experience somewhere but when it comes down to it none of this matter and 99% of what upsets is pretty fucking trite and insignificant and even though some things may suck it's not worth it if you have to fight like this. so fuck it.


at midnight me, swzzle, joe and jessie smoked a joint at the hut in celebration. then i trekked back down to queen west and had the sketchiest journey of all time. a crackhead legitimately tried to punch me in the face/swang at me while i was buying a drink in a coffee time. at home we just stayed up and smoked weed until we were too tired to be awake. today we made an epic breakfast of hashbrowns/two kinds of eggs/toast and perogies.. so good. we're gunna go to dundas and yonge in a few. good.

this has been the soundtrack to my life lately.

Monday, April 19, 2010

past 24 hours have been so good.

how am i supposed to leave toronto... ahh. i have no money.. i don't know how i'm gunna live until thursday.
i don't want to leave it. i can't leave yet. ahhhhhh

Sunday, April 18, 2010

i have nothing to stick around for but not much more to go home to.

i wish i could find a w a y to look past this quiet indifference that you've taken so unkindly to. thinking that 'if i get away everything will fix itself.' well i got away and everything's just a little messier. sometimes i think i'm not even happy anymore, even though i know life presents itself to me in pretty beautiful ways. i guess thing's really changed when she told me your secrets, and i feel bad for you more than anything. the people you think you can trust with anything (everything) could turn out to be the people hiding the most. what i would do to revert back to the good days that i think about when i'm feeling so blue, the sticky thing is now that when i think of days like that i might just be getting a little sadder. i just don't understand. i. don't. get. it. i guess a little more changed as soon as i saw you. i want to write so directly but there's no way i can right now. i want to talk sooooo directly but i don't know if i should? i just want simple and exciting and new and comfort and to be entirely certain about maybe just a few things. i'm just really exhausted of thinking i need to fix everything when all of this is just a map of two way streets. disheartened? kind of. discontent? maybe. then i think i really shouldn't be feeling like this because it might just all be in my head.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

i love kira.. she is such a good human.

today me kelly kira and tony went to niagara falls and it sort of blew my mind... hahaha. we went to nightmares.. this haunted house with live actors and lost our minds we were so scared. i thought i was going to die. in a few we're going to doomriders which will be good. i'm really really tired but i'm happy but i'm also just really frustrated.
last night at 751 most of the hut went home early.. so chris and i got really wasted and danced to bad rap in the basement for a long time. funny night... weird night
that seems to be the theme of my life... good... really good.. but just bizzare and weird and confusing. to say the least.

i miss the smallest handful of people in calgary... which is weird. normally when i leave i could care less.

Friday, April 16, 2010

blahblah iphone update

18 degreees

being in toronto seems normal... usual. every day life. i like ittttttt i don't want to leave it. yesterday kelly and i spent an entire day just lurking around, it was good. utopia for lunch, some shopping, alleys, parks. i went to the hut in the evening and we ended up going to 751 and somehow i got fucked up in the space of about 20 minutes. my favourite thing is how most nights it ends up me, hill and joe just drunk somewhere in the city. my second favourite thing is riding our bikes home down queen after the bar. this morning we went to jim's for breakfast and then we gave chris a haircut (v 2.0?). now i'm at kelly's annnnd bored annnnd i'll probably just go hut-bound soon. haha. ari is sleeping on me but i can't find lloyd.. he's somewhere upstairs. tomorrow we're going to niagra falls and then doomriders show (landon!) and thennn dub show theeeen probably 751 or something.

i thought coming to toronto would clear up a lot of my confusion and yeah, it has... but... now i'm just stuck somewhere and i'm not sure how to move forwards out of it.. yah know? i need something to HAPPEN.. or something. augh.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

newnewnew SP

how does stuff like this get me stoked... haha


ahhhhh! some pictures from my iphone..

jays game

salad king mmm

some veggie restaurant in kensington

tuesday mornings at the hut.. for some reason joe and i woke up at like 7 and sat around and talked until like 10:30 when everyone else awoke.

beanie babies...


jays game again.. expensive beer.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


GO. LOOK. unreal. arth daniels actually blows my mind.

the oil painting of eli roth... unnnnnnreal.

also one of my long time favourite artists, Usugrow - his new stuff is just so GOOD. so much precision and attention to detail. bahhhh makes me want to be so good at pen and ink. unreal.

here at the starlite

"i just hope i wake up feeling like this."

i cling to things that inspire me purely because it's a rarity if something.. or someone.. or someplace affects me at all nowadays. like really affects me - like gets under my skin and makes my mind race sort of thing. lately i've been thinking a lot of all of the things... the music.. the films.. and the people, the places and the activities that have all crumbled together into this past of everything i know - and how specifically all of it has somehow found ways to fit together and sway me and made me the way i am today. environmental factors versus what you're born with. i think we're all a little terrified of the future but equally as eager to see how everything turns out. and i think we're all a little fond of exaggeration - of things being brighter, bigger, more fascinating then they really might be. people appear as they want to appear - to an extent - their methods of adding and subtracting STUFF from their life is really just a way of showing the world around them what they want to be looked at as. then there's the things they can't control - an almost subconscious set of clues of what they're really like - subtle body language, pronunciation of words, vocabulary! reactions. actions. eye contact. body contact. it seems like modesty - real, true, genuine modesty is such a hard commodity to come across. i hate the fact that humans are just so seemingly naturally in tune with what people think about them - what they want to be looked at as. it's not all bad, but it's just fucked. i'm guilty of many things, i'm not saying i'm not. people just tend to bother me i guess... and i don't know if it's me or them.
money, stability, sociability, approachability, jobs, education, politics, health - it's all important, i agree. it's all necessary. but how did it come this far. society is unreal, to put it simply. the values that this world places on entertainment and media and consumerism and self image are so unreasonably high compared to what it places on truth and morals and VALUE of the human mind and body as an instrument to create something lasting - something meaningful - as compared to something that can be marketed and profitable. ughhhh i just want some real human contact and some real conversation and some real BEING. sick of so many things around me, yet i still do enjoy day to day life. it is what it is and it's up to the individual to be something else and be something of it's own immeasurable capability.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.

just imagine living in a world without mirrors. you'd dream about your face and imagine it as an outer reflection of what is inside you. and then, when you reach forty, someone put a mirror before you for the first time in your life. imagine your fright! you'd see the face of a stranger. and you'd know quite clearly what you are unable to grasp: your face is not you.

she once again had the strong, peculiar feeling that was coming over her more and more often: the feeling that she had nothing in common with those two-legged creatures with a head on their shoulders and a mouth in their face.

no solidarity with mankind: that was her attitude. only one thing could wrench her out of it; concrete love toward a concrete person. If she truly loved someone, she could not be indifferent to the fate of other people, because her beloved would be dependent on that fate. he would be a part of it, and she could no longer feel that mankind's torments, its wars and holidays, were none of her concern. she was frightened by that last thought. was it true that she didn't love anyone?


my feet hurt and i work more than i don't... but i like it. a lot.

birdcage i bought at the flea market on sunday! i was going to get a bird... maybe... but danny suggested putting a vine in it and hanging it... so much better.


epic meal i couldn't finish.

oh girrrrrrrls

dana + bong


part of a dinner me, dana and geoff made... salmon/chicken/udon noodle teriyaki stir fry!

simone in the drum on her last morning in calgary... i miss simone..

Monday, April 5, 2010

my life =

hanging out with spooks in mik's apartment haha. uh.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

last niiiight i fell in love without you

houses houses houses spaces spaces spaces

"The brain appears to possess a special area which we might call poetic memory and which records everything that charms or touches us, that makes our lives beautiful... Their love story did not begin until afterwards: she fell ill and he was unable to send her home as he had the others. Kneeling by her as she lay sleeping in his bed, he realized that someone had sent her downstream in a bulrush basket. I have said before that metaphors are dangerous. Love begins with a metaphor. Which is to say, love begins at the point when a woman enters her first word into our poetic memory."