Sunday, February 28, 2010

Saturday, February 27, 2010

i'm just waiting for the moment i can break away the only reason that i stay is so i can save the day.

cause the world's got all these problems that i wanna fix but i can't care enough to get on an airplane and leave everything here and do anything there. yet. i'm willing to bet that these instincts that always seem to creep into my stomach and throat will always give me a key into everything's happening that i don't know. ohhh i still have a bad feeling. my head's still in it because it's only been a few days... but more than anything i just want to leave it alone. sometimes i really really really wonder how i actually live and take care of myself. i don't really know what i'm doing. i can't lay down because if i lay down i'll sleep forever and if i do that i'll never see you again... and that's something i can't do! oh youuu. even when everything that's happening here is still happening so fast and extravagantly i still find comfort in the fact that somewhere from 300 to 500 dollars later and a few hours on a plane and i could be waking up to you. "they like to work my pride while i work their nerves." some days i think i would and could give even less of a shiiiiiiiiiiiiit about it all if i could only get you in front of me. how long has it been like this already? god damn my head is in such a bizzare place right now and god damn does my apartment still feel empty. it feels like my girls have been gone for weeks but it's only been about five days. the end of this month feels good because it's that much closer to the end of next month and then well... you know what. i get east east east. i'm rambling.

you act so fuckinnnnnnnng ugllllly.

she's still in my dreams (she steals all my dreams)

These headphones keep me from rememberin' (rememberin')
Also guilty of letting me not forget (also guilty)
What type of harvest will September bring? (beckoning)
Everyone to put him to that test (Somebody please kill me)
I've got a sickness, it feels like love
It's not contagious, take off the gloves
Drop your defenses, apply a coat of perfect
I'll form the sentences you try to interpret
It'd all be so simple if I was rich (But I'm not)
But I'm not so I compensate with thought (I got a lot)
I got a lot of nothin' that you need to know (Ay yo)
You would think he wasn't aware of the glow (Where'd you go?)
Swimmin' in a bottle of imposters
Losin' my ground in the name of takin' it farther
We can thumb wrestle or we can make a daughter
I thought it was supposed to get easier when you worked harder
Stole the city, I still feel helpless
Baited the hook and caught me a shellfish (selfish)
I'm gonna gut it, clean it, cook it, feed it to a she
And see if I can get her to need me

Thursday, February 25, 2010

my life is 50/50 black metal annnnnd...

"When you prefer to feel alone, it's easy to feel lonely."

i'm not down and out fuck that. thank god for: kim irvine, kelly anne, al adsait, durell smith, landon speers, mikhalia derksen, simone jarvis. i like how that's a few calgary girls then all edmonton boys. my life savers i guess. love you.
i should go to edmonton soon!
i'm starving but i think i'm kind of incompetent and making a meal/going somewhere to eat when the girls aren't here. withdrawwwwl.
sometimes my problem is i forget where i should be at/where my head's at but then i remember and then i realize that well... i'll be better than fine no matter what.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

seems crazy that other people even think remotely like me.

"oooh that's what i'm good at. feeling nothing, i guess i'm good at feeling nothing. and being able to turn on the numb switch whenever i really please. do you get it yet? can you hear me? i hope you do but i hope you're smart enough to see past it (me) because all i ever really do is feel. and i think it's the fact that i sometimes don't know what to do with what i'm feeling so i convince myself that everything is nothing and something can come from anything and therefore nothing really matters as much as it seems because anything could happen and if it wasn't this it'd be another thing. and even when i say that i can SEE the sense in it, i can see the rationality and i can see how for some people, that's the truth. but for me it's just not enough because that's just how i am i guess - i'm perfectly sane and comfortable and cogent but completely berserk and out of my fucking mind stir crazy busy crazy and i guess that i'm like this because most days i wake up and twenty minutes later i already feel like i'm losing my mind. how can that be? how can a person be clear and simple and content but really is entirely too rushed and alone and sad to think about anything in a real sense. how can that be. my problems could get deemed untraditional if they could be deemed anything at all. my worries are relevant but i know i won't remember them in a few weeks time. my enemies are only enemies because i can't seem to get into the way they think. and now someone like you has come along and has completely pried into a side of me that i normally don't even consider letting anyone near and now you're doing THIS and keeping me in the fucking dark and that's when i don't know what to do. that's when i second guess everything that's gone through my head in the past month. and i always know, questioning your thoughts is the first step towards questioning your life and i just can't figure out if that could be a good thing or a bad thing yet. i just want to disappear and just NOT talk to anyone and be so fucking happy doing so."

whites of the eyes

mislead is a word best kept closed until you're really sure. compared to this, nothing else is really worth toying with the idea of the end. they're not worth it and i know you know that we both know it. i don't know if it's fear that made them odd or fear that made them stay but who am i to judge it when i don't even really understand it myself. sometimes i think i'm the only one that ever gets left standing alone.. and for what. nothing, really. finding families before you find what you're looking for. finding out what it is to figure out that most of these people are too wrapped up in their own ideas of what they should be... what they are... to really grasp and sense solidarity or genuine thought or just realness in any way. and i just can't care for any of it. i don't care for any of it. i guess i can't care to care about the issues they deem respectable or probable or potent. not the first time i've reached this same kind of level of discontent. the kinds of words on strings that happen in just the right way and order to indirectly punch you in the face. these nights... they do something to you. same with these rooms and ideas and faces and hands and who even knows what else anymore? when someone's breathing too loud and you notice. when you can't fall asleep because something's just wrong and you can't put your finger on it. these days i don't except you to respond or really give a shit in any way because why should i? i'm sad i'm happy i'm moving i'm jealous i'm tired i'm rich i'm thirsty for something that'll give everything a little more that an ounce in meaning. and a small ounce at that.

Monday, February 22, 2010

faith no more


so strange that kelly and kira are back in toronto. my apartment seems so empty and quiet.. i'm confused. alone time will be nice and much needed but i'm gunna miss them a lot. i need to go to toronto in april.
i have a bad feeling.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

put me in some dreams about some battles and planes and trenches

honest answers come from honest hands but where were you when i was alive again? sometimes i think i'd appreciate a kick in the face more than i would another plainly put excuse. even when everyone else thinks that the things you say speak entire truths i'm still the only one that can see right past it. you. whatever. it's weird when you wake up and things keep moving along and... well... moving. i love them but i can't really stand to be around them. making mistakes but this time brushing them aside easier than we ever could before. i think my body's gunna need a week to get it together again, let alone my fucking head.

Friday, February 19, 2010


i don't really understand how the past like... 30 hours even happened really. skate republik was fun because i got to see so many friends i never get to party with/even hang out with anymore annnnd because i can get belligerent in that bar and be the most obnoxious human ever and it's okay. haha. afterhours of last night turned from drunk to weird to annoying to really fucked up.. basically. good... but fucked. rob woke kira and i up at 1030 and took us for coffee and breakfast and shopping! then kelly kira and i went to tyler arthurs house to have family dinner/old time's sake. sooo good. then i worked and lost my mind at work due to no sleep, too many booze and too much everything and i don't even really know what i'm typing right now. i'm glad i'm alone. all i need is alone right now.
what am i even saying


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

i don't wanna be here without you

it's been sometime and i don't know what to do with myself these days

Monday, February 15, 2010

similar humanity

i tend to tend towards writing almost metaphorically about the future when all i should be focused on, really, is the present. live in today.
tonight was good, it's 5 am and i just got home. worked all night which kind of sucked due to valentines day couples everywhere but after work was good cause of matt learoyd and whiskey and beer and my beautiful coworkers. basically.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

sit around AND

"i broke his heart in 30 seconds flat, 30 seconds flat."

don't depend.

cause it's not about anything except yourself, and it's not about anything except for them. if you wake up and hate everything, something's wrong. every night i sit at work at see these people that are just so... i don't even really know the right word. but i'm glad i'm not them. and i'm glad i know that i'm not like them. no matter what anyone says. i'm not them. these days it's hard to get impressed but you're still finding ways to make me think. i gotta get my hands wrapped around the point of something new.

also, adam port is my friend and a babe... so check this out...

oh HAY

Friday, February 12, 2010

no surprises, my life has switched heavily back into everything like...


ugggggggggggggh so good.

my days consist of waking up to kelly and being with my girls all the time. best days. i'm going to be confused when kelly and kira go back to toronto - kira is here so soon!! tuesdayy.
tonight i work. obviously. haha.

i'm happy with a lot of stuff in my life.... ahh. :)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

this is about not letting yourself compromise what means the most to you.

"There are certain things that we have always been forced to accept and certain sacrifices will always need to be made. But there are ways to express yourself outside the boundaries of the way we've always been expected to act. This is ours. This has never been about who can be louder or play faster. This is about not letting yourself compromise what means the most to you. Don't let it stop at the hall doors. Carry the aggression and passion with you everywhere you go and let it show through in everything you do."

we need our opressions.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

where is my mind

seems like lately i can't get into what a lot of people are getting into.. i guess. something like that. i'm in a really tense mood... irritable. considering factors make it okay. i guess.
i am at deville right now with kell... we're gunna go get drum food then i have a night with liam then liam and danny. i'm glad. i neeeed someone to talk anything to me... and liam's good for it.

i feel as though everything i am saying/i say is completely not what i mean and in some ways meaningless? i need to find whatever i'm looking for.

rest in peace

miss you forever, love you more than anyone/thing.

can't help but be miserable... having fun all the time but i am actually so heartbroken.