Tuesday, June 30, 2009

i wanna be beside her, she wanna be admired

because i've been awake for too long and asleep for too long and every day the realizations that fly by me astound me. then i'll probably forget them and recall them some other day and it'll hit me like a brick again. in the face. little things that may or may not be significant. all mixed up. one of my favourite things is when i find an album or two by a band or two and i fall completely head over heels for a specific selection of music for a few weeks of my life at a time. music is probably the one greatest thing in my life. when i think back i have specific music for every time in my life... every section, or period of my life has it's own theme music. think back. growing up my life was oasis and sublime and counting crows and led zeppelin and greenday. then it turned into blink 182 and new found glory and sum 41, yeah i loved sum 41. from then it went to saves the day and thursday and saetia and bright eyes and brand new. then fear before the march of flames and the likes. then mixed up with that was black flag and minor threat and then on and on and on. past four years i can pin point whichever seasons of the year to whichever bands made the soundtrack. summer 2006 was shook ones and down to nothing every day. h2O and bouncing souls. say anything taking back sunday in sarah's car. last summer was eazy e every god damn day of my life. lately it's just been random. right now i can't take my attention of a rotaion of the strokes, iron lung and graf orlock. so great. then there's the little part of my life that was playing cello for a decade... was my life. music = life. haha.
i'm so glad that this entry just turned into a music rant...
i'm packing every single thing that i want to take with me to the new house right now and whenever i get too bored or restless i blog...

tear streaked faces always do the most damage

sitting across from you and you and it breaks my heart spilt up into two that i know that right now right righhhht now is a collection of small moments and fractions of minutes that all build up together into a memory of a last last last time. and it's like the worst thing but the best thing all wrapped up in some sort of sickly dance that struts across my mind every second of every single god damn day in some tiny way or some huge way. i notice it and i don't notice it but no matter what it's always there. it's like when i think back 12 years and i remember how i felt and how i still feel like that and the thought of leaving you alone is the worst thing i could ever imagine doing. ever. in a million years. i could murder a puppy and i could kill thousands but if i ever broke your heart or left you alone or made you anything unhappy like that i don't know what i would do? i am scared and vulnerable and confused. i am scared and vulnerable and confused. i am excited and happy and better than i was a month and a half ago, and i think that's the best thing right now. i'm better than i was. but i'm still sitting here and hearing you somewhere in another room and i can't help but leave and i also can't help but want to stay but i'm leaving. leavinggg. i owe you everything. every single scrap of my existence and i hope i can keep coming closer to understanding how intricate and complex and brilliant and beautiful of a person you really are. sitting in an empty room with half dead electronics and no care for the outside world and a head full of the perfect amount of too many thoughts and so many ups and downs. all we are are a series of chemical reactions and minerals and signals and instincts and reactions. we are not real and i don't know how emotions can be felt. i don't understand.
i wish i had someone to ... i don't know... just... fucking... sit down like a normal person and talk without having the same problems as me and their own fucked up things to deal with. that's selfish. and when i actually think about it i think i'd rather have the people that i love in my life being just as, almost as, or so much more fucked up than i am. i think a normal sustainable and perfect person wouldn't get it...

Sunday, June 28, 2009

my advice to you is to start somewhere why don't you shut the fuck up now

mourning for what? a lost friend i don't need. i never pressured you to live the way that i do you're tied for last in a one man race, you shoved your views in my face. i don't like it! why does shit like this tear friends apart, apart - a flip of a coin, that's what you are we must work together and i'm working hard to see the good in everyone i'll see that justice will be done it's my lifestyle that you slag, once my friend now just a drag, a fuckin drag i'm breaking free of friendships dead, i need your fucking guidance like a hole in the head. you look to me for sympathy, you had your chance, now let me fucking be, let me be i'm breaking free.

50/50 sike-y. ugggh. miss you..

btw i finally got my new macbook pro and it's sooo fucking great.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

drive fast

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend, I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection, the mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit. And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss, so many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it... but me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split. The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist.
I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train and if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same. We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain but what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane.
And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this, the reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did...
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live, cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is.

my wonder years never got cancelled

my weakness is i can't help myself, in all senses of what that means. i. can't. help. it. because at the end of the day what do you have. the evening. the night. and at the end of the night what do you have? the morning. and repeat repeat repeat. because sometimes i think it might be a little bit problematic that when i list off my few favourite things they are as follows: boozin, weed, my best friend and working days. but then i remember how fucking fine i am with that because the world is beautiful and i am alive and my friends are what's important to me and i'm pretty healthy and pretty happy and it doesn't matter how fucked up someone is it just doesn't matter! [and at the end of the evening i know i should be falling asleep next to you. and how fucked up of a thing is THAT because i never would have guessed THAT...] and even though everything is a little mixy everything is still .... still... and okay... and it'll always be like that in a way. its just like what's happening is what's happening and somehow every little thing and detail and big thing and detail mixed up together and bounced around and this is the outcome of every single moment up until NOW. past present future. it's fucked that the time we know of is linear and we'll never be able to get back to the past, future, and only know the exact present. different dimensions. FUCK dimensions are crazy. what if we could see outcomes and see what's going to happen or be able to feel exactly how you felt 15 and a half years ago and what? i don't even know.

"charles... it's a whisky night... i'm fucking wasted"

mmm new day. i'm not going to let anything bother me. doesn't matter doesn't matter. it's SUMMER. it's real summer. summer summer summer. i love walking out of my house and it being hot out. i love standing outside of my work and it being hot out. i love wearing a tshirt at 2 in the morning outside.i can't let myself get bothered. fuuuck it maaaan. i just woke up and i don't feel like shit, i should. i came home and made ichi ban, way too drunk, my stove lit on fire? i put it out. i don't remember how. hahaha. last night kim and i island drank for a while just us, and then met up with danny, then went nw and eventually met up with kyle and dana then we went to the drum then went to the ship then went to a house party at 3 in the morning but really just ended up standing a house down from the house, on the street, with like 30 people. i don't get it. i didn't get it at the time. haha what? fridays man, they're my favourite day. i laughed so much last night.

Friday, June 26, 2009

because the truth about me is that no matter how hard i try NOT to fuck things up somehow i always end up doing so. so far...

constantly i am trying to figure things out and trying to work things through and just thinking thinking thinking. mind never stops. neeeeeeeeeeever stops. probably why i can never sleep, i just can't shut it off. i like bus rides and train rides because i can sit and think uninterrupted without any real distractions. sometimes it's good things sometimes it's bad things. maaaan. ahugh. always uncertain, always bruised up, always moving. always always always changing and shifting things and perspectives. hands faces backs and legs. necks noses lips and fingers. because when i sit down and actually think about myself and the way things somehow manage to work in my head i don't know what i'm i should or shouldnt be doing and sometimes i think that the fact that i only ever really look out for myself and only myself... maybe that's not the best way to be. but it is? not getting hurt myself but hurting others in order to protect myself. and protecting myself without need. i'm just scared i'm gunna get turned around on and fucked over and thrown into the ground and entirely fucked up... by anyone in any way. but. isn't that what's life is supposed to be sort of ... about feeling shit like that? maybe even a little bit? i don't know. that's why i don't know. man. i wish someone would come and sort my head out for me sometimes.
today when i was sitting eating lunch on stephen ave i lurked so hard on all the baaaaaabely construction workers. like common. fuuuuuucking helllllllllllllll.
i'm so looking forward to getting out of my house... sometimes it makes me so craaaaaazy...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

bored as fuck

Are you ready for some questions that you barely find in other surveys?
i dont care

You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, any problems?

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name starts with B, P, C or A?

Are you currently reading a book?

What is your current annoyance?
not having money/weed

What was the last beverage you had?
mountain dew at ikea, haha what?

Are you someone who worries too often?
i stress but i don't know, normally i don't let stuff ACTUALLY bug me out that much

When was the last time you talked to the person you last kissed?

Would you ever take someone back after they cheated on you?

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hated?
mm yeah.

Do you have any siblings?
older brother + sister

What did you do last night?
got wasted in kyles car. went to the drum for 20 minutes. got more wasted in kyles car. went to wal mart at 2 am. went to wendys. we lurked so hard last night hahahaha

Does it matter if your bf/gf smokes?

Could you go out in public, looking like you do?
i dont give a FUCK about how i look when i leave my house. i used to. i dont care anymore.

What color are your eyes?

Who is the last male you talked to through a text?

Do you remember your dreams?

Does anyone think you are a bitch?
people probably think im lots of things that im really not... haha...

Did you wake up before 8am this morning?
helll no.

Did you speak to your father today?

Do you miss your past?
nah. i like my past.

Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired?
too often...

Do you get mad easily?
at particular people+things but most of the time no.

Have you ever been around someone who was high?

Last thing you purchased?
fuuuckin a shelf and a kitchen table and random shit from ikea. aw helll yeah

What was your last bruise from?
i think i somehowbruised myself at work today i dont know how

Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough?
of course

Did you dress up on Halloween? What were you?
a hippy? last minute costume.

What color is your hair?
dark brown

Do you judge people you don't know?
i guess to a certain extent but whatever. everyone judges everyone.

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

Have you ever been asked out by someone you didn't want to date?

Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you before?
danny gets mad at me daily.... i fail at a lot of things. hahahahahaha.

Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth?
aahhaha yes

Who is the ugliest person that you know?

Do any of your top friends have a tongue ring?
kelly.... hahaha amazing

Do any of your top friends have a nose ring?

When will be the next time you text someone?
probably soon...

How much money did you spend today?
nothing. i spent money i dont have at ikea... but only 92 dolla. for SO MUCH. my table was 40 dolla. so great. but no... jack bought me lunch... he is great... haha

What will you be doing tomorrow?
exam + lurking

Have you ever cried while in the shower?
haha yeah

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?

What's something you really want right now?
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed that isnt the smallest amount of crumbs.

How do you feel about your hair right now?
i dont know it's okay

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend?

Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
o u no

Is your best friend a slut?
hah no

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
few and far between

Last person you talked on the phone with?

Who do you blame for your bad mood today?
yo no bad mood! i was hungover as fuck and failed a lot but i work with good people so i was happy all day.

What was the first thing you did this morning?
put a toque on. my hair was not ok.

What are you looking forward to right now?
moving! fuck!

If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
id change the way id react. sort of thing.

What did you do today?
worked + ikea

Where will you be 5 hours from now?
1 am. probably up doing nothing.

Have you ever ran away?
not really

Truth or dare always turns sexual, doesn't it?
i havent played in years...

Do you wish someone would turn up at your front door right now?
hell no

What is something you realized today?
hmmm. mmm. yahhhh. not internet appropriate.

Do you want any children?
maybe ill adopt one. maybe two. maybe?

What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
talking about the factory party fashion show with george and the fact that he's in it. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhaha. i was borderline in tears. aaaaaaaaaaahhahahahahahahaha

What did you wake up to this morning?
alarm + hangover

Do you prefer group dates or single ones better?
single 100%

Last 4 people to text message you?
danny jasmine kim palomz

Is there something you're happy about at the moment?
a few things

Did you sleep alone last night?

How many piercings do you have?

Do you want someone dead?

What is the most interesting text in your Inbox right now?
no idea

How old do you look?
no idea

Have you seen any of the Saw movies?

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
theres a few!

What are you listening to right now?
my mom talking on the phone

Do you believe you can change someone?

Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
yeaaaaaah of course...

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
i hugged jack haha

When is your birthday?
dec 26

What gets you through the day?
cool shit... i dont know


Tuesday, June 23, 2009


i lost my headphones and i am so sad because i cant afford new ones and now i cant listen to music on the way to work or anything. maaan.
tomorrow after work i am going to meet my momma at an office then we're going to go buy a kitchen table and shelves and stuff. one week until i'm sleepin in the same house as my best friend every night! so unreal.
i think i need to go to new york july 5th for the day + one night while i'm in toronto... and i hope it happens. i hope it happppens! i hope i can get my shit together enough/have enough money to. but if i don't go on the 5th i'm going in sept/oct so whateverrr.
i hate not having excess money. moving has eaten up my income. and then some. and then a lot. ah.
kyle's on his way to my house but he's taking sooo long and i'm so boooooooooooored. that's why this entry exists.
i like my job because i see friends all day and yeah. i just like it.

Monday, June 22, 2009


uggh i'm so bored on the internet wide awake. i jsut lurked facebook so hard and looked at a lot of pictures from a whiiiile ago. trips and shit. HENCE...

these three boys are the best boys...
i miss you :(

im so borrred

Sunday, June 21, 2009

you know you gotta help me out

i never really gave up on breakin' out of this two-star town. i got the green light, i got a little fight. i'm gonna turn this thing around. the good old days, the honest man; the restless heart, the promised land, a subtle kiss that no one sees; a broken wrist and a big trapeze. oh well i don't mind, if you don't mind... 'cause i don't shine if you don't shine, before you go, can you read my mind? it’s funny how you just break down, waitin' on some sign. i pull up to the front of your driveway with magic soakin' my spine. the teenage queen, the loaded gun; the drop dead dream, the chosen one, a southern drawl, a world unseen; a city wall and a trampoline. oh well i don't mind, if you don't mind 'cause i don't shine if you don't shine. before you jump, tell me what you find when you read my mind. slippin’ in my faith until i fall, you never returned that call. woman, open the door, don't let it sting, i wanna breathe that fire again. she said I don't mind, if you don't mind 'cause I don't shine if you don't shine.
put your back on me,
put your back on me,
put your back on me.

the stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun. can you read my mind?

1. fuck you
2. fuck off
3. i'd fuck.
4. fucking uuuuuunnnnreal
5. you're my fav bffaeaeaeaeaeaeaeaeeee
6. we could work out the bessssst possible situation between us HA HA
7. you make me happy!


REAL WORLD CANCUN STARTS ON JUNE 24. that's motha fuckinnnnnn wednesday!

uuuuuuuuuugh why do i love the real world

i want you to hit me as hard as you can

over the next 6 - 9 months i'm going to save annny extra money i have so i can go travelling next spring. yeah. for sure. i think that's what i need to do. i miss the world. this little mid west city is clouding my head. i need the streets and feel and culture and everything about places that are entirely different. and far. let me stress FAR.
sometimes i think if i told a lot of people about the so called "drama" in my life my life would be a lot more interesting but a lot more annoying. too annoying. i'd hate everyone more than i already sort of do. that's a lie i don't hate everyone, i just like my friends. and pretty much only my friends. i guess i don't interact with anyone else. that makes sense. i'm glad i keep my mouth shut.
i'm borderline typing without thinking now. hah.
i want to go to las vegas. a few days ago i realized how badly i want to lurk in las vegas, hahaha. i want to go west coast united states. see some crazy forests, go to some beaches, see things, see my babes. i'd be so happy. my sister is going to harvard for a year in september to get her... masters? in law annnnd since she'll be living in boston i'm going to go there and see her and be in boston again, and then hop on a train to nyc because most of the time i feel as though i should be in ny and only ny... haha. seriously. that city sucked my soul in and stole my heart allll at the same time. something about it got me. i need to go back.
think in clear lines and wander but always keep the fact that reality exists at the back of your mind, always have THAT in consideration. fuck. i wwaaaaaaaaant to rant but i'm once again, gunna keep my mouth shut.

Saturday, June 20, 2009


1. shower
2. get baked
3. stoop lurk
4. wrap myself up in bed for an hour
5. go to ikea
6. paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarty

these are my 6 plans for today, 4/6 which have already happened. hahaha. last night was a late night but a good one. all i fucking did was harass people at the bar. everyone i knew... i harassed. i don't understand how i get drunk like that hahaha. after the bar i went to jacks and i slept there because i didn't want to figure out how to get home. basically.
i don't want to look at my inbox/outbox on my phone? baaaaaaaaaahahaha.

i need to PACK like a mother fuckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Friday, June 19, 2009

i wanna P U K E

finally it's friday. even if i don't do anything and don't work all week friday still seems better than most other days. i'm going to work in a few minutttttttttes then after work later tonight i'm meeting up with the girrrls. my girls! aw. tonight there are a million plans and i'm sure every single one of them will be good.
i hate how i'm getting back to constantly feeling like garbage. no no no.
june is almost done which means it's almost july which means craziness to come. then august and i finnnaaallllly get to see my favourite babes far far away.

an open letter to tyler wilson,
if you are reading this, call me. i miss you. we need to plan our vic trip sort of soon.
at least we need to figure out when we want to go so i can book time off of work and so on and so forth.
stop not existing,
love forever,

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


kim and i have a house in bridgeland! WE HAVE A HOUSE. WE. HAVE. A. HOUSE. I hope everyone is as impressed with us as we are with ourselves... because face it... we're both lazy stoners who sometimes have a hard time... getting shit done hahahaha. but it's done! we have a house. i love my beautiful best friend because she worked hard and put a lot of effort into the house hunting despite everything else going on. seriously. she's something else.

i'm excited because now i can LET myself be excited for two weeks from now and i can be excited to buy things and build a home. i feel good about it/everything.

it's wednesday night and i'm going to get baked then go to a movie with chrissy.
tomorrow i have doctors, hair cut, kims work then maybe goooooooood plans. you know? you know.
today i watched deadliest catch for sooooo long, fuck, why do i even watch tv. hahahahahaha..

but seriously! ahhhh!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

seen it all

on nights where the air is thick and the moon is yellow and the colour in their skin matches the colours on the pavement. it's the nights where people seem to do nothing but bring on another fresh round of confusion. why are some things so damn unnecessary. asking asking asking. i never wanted the world... just a portion. the days where downtown smells like a city far away and when the faces you used to see turn into different faces that you're becoming used to seeing now. fucking around. piles of shoes. dishclothes. dishwash. wash wash wash. it's like the only thing i want to do is be alone and be drunk alone and then i actually think about it and i'd rather nothing but you to be there too. here too? somewhere too. wherever i am. worrying and worrying and worrying but then remembering that it does not fucking matter. proud and free. proud and free. proud and free. i hate the way your voice sounds. i hate it. i hate that stupid tone. that stupid stupid tone. i get it now. i think i'm a lot closer and a lot farther from figuring out what i know than i think. mixed up. clarity versus perception is a constant war. i'm sorry i wake you up when you're sleeping and i'm not but i swear to god i mean only good things and i think you know that but i don't think i know and i know you don't know if anything is reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal. the city blows my mind. the sky blows my mind. the moon blows my mind. people blow my fucking mind. sometimes all i want to do is sit and talk but to who? i don't know.

last night was weird. too broke to get too drunk so other people bought me shots all night and by the time i got home i was thoroughly impressed with the unimpressive. if you get that. listening to the same three songs on repeat.

wear your love like heaven

and as of now i'm going to UN-invest myself in any way shape or form that i had in fact, invested myself in. to you. you know? that's all. not my place. not my choice. not what i want. need. anything. circumstantial evidence/situations/looks/words/vibes. i don't careeeeeeeeeeeeeeee in the way that is thought i promise i care(D) in a whole different waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. un-invest. i'm happy i have the mind set and ability to switch off anything that i deem unnecessary. i am becoming a firm believer in the fact that right now... getting hurt is hard to do. one of those cases where in my heart of hearts, i ACTUALLY don't really care.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

i wishhhhhhhhhh you woulda coulda shoulda comeeeeeeeeeeeee overrrrrrr baaaaaaaaby

i'm kind of drunk. its 5 am. there are people in my house. i'm in my bed alone smoking weed and so happy. maaan. i'm tired.


Friday, June 12, 2009

flowers on your bedside table

it's weird going to work every day and not know everything about my job and not knowing exactly what to do all the time and the weirdest thing is not being everyone else's boss and making bubble tea instead of lattes. hahaha. i'm okay with it.

things i need to learn how to do better... like without thinking about it. a u t o m a t i c :
not let myself get stressed out. i think if i do this... actually do this... my life will improve greatly. not that it's already not good but... you know. stress makes you crazy. i'm a little crazy right now. ah.

oh yeah... it's FRIDAY. and it's BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE. which means i'm going to be wasted and having a good night. marlee's birthday party is tonight! and maybe drum lurk might be in the plans as well. and after party at my house because well... i have a good house.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

figuring myself out

i'm really really good at not really getting attached to anything/anyone... i view a lot of things has being almost... tangible. i don't know if this is a good thing or not. it keeps me from getting hurt, it keep me happy and having fun and not really giving a shit. but i don't know. sometimes it's good to let your guard down more than you're used to. i don't know. human relationships... and human nature and instinct and lifestyle and everything is so strange sometimes, and so intense, and so completely just... i don't know. such an integral part of life... without human interaction and the ability for people and organism to communicate the world would be a very different place. obviously. or if our main form of communication wasn't verbal... if you "talked" to people through mind power and shit. if anything was different from how it is now in this current time... the present... so many other things would be so different. the littlest things affect absolutely everything in some way. OR the other day i was thinking about how little space human civilization actually takes up. trees seem big, buildings seem big, mountains seem big, oceans seem deep... but think about how FAR away the end of earth's atmosphere is... and then beyond that... infinity. maaaaan. space blows my mind. a few weeks ago kim and i were sitting on the stoop of the embassy at night and we talked about how the moon is always there... we see it, not really think about what it actually is. another planet that we can see from our planet. and stars. how far they are... not on EARTH. except for people who've been to space... the human race knows NOTHING about what it is to be off of the earth. there is so much more out there on planets other than earth. wrapping your head around the magnitude of ... everythingggg. abahfgbdsgf.

its too late for me to be awake on a wednesday night!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


yo there are squirrels in my attic? or in the roof things on my house? so not IN my house but... in my fucking house. they keep spooking me. hahahaha.
it's nice out. tomorrow i work. friday i work. FRIDAAAY. i might get drunk tonight. who knooooooooows!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


i always have ERRANDS to do. that is what has happened over the past couple months. small, unrelated but somehow entirely necessary things i must get done. controlling my life, hahaha.i don't mind them but sometimes it's annoying hahahaha. maaaan.
kim and i have deepened our search for a house. everything will be perfect soon. 3 weeks.
my parents are out of town. well. my mom leaves tomorrow morning and my dads already gone. last time i had the house to myself... i don't even remember half of it. so many people were in and out of my house hahaha. every night it ended up me, kim, skish, kyle and a couple others sitting around my kitchen table so late at night smoking weed and getting too drunk hahahaha. so good.
today was a good day. i'm tired from being out and about pretty much alllllllll day but i feel good. danny and i lurked in the day then for a while in the evening as well. so funny. he's excellent. kim and i drove around and got house numbers. now i'm home and am so tired but so wide awake. i'm going to have a shower.
i am talking about nothing now.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

oh yoooou make me feeeeeeeeeeel weeeooo whatever makes you smileeeeeeee woeoeooo

it makes me sad when i realize that i have made someone i care about sad or upset or angry or anything. maan. the past month and a half/two months have been fucked up in the best/worst way possible... end to end... extreme to extreme... best and worst. good still outweighs the bad though, there's that. i have that. we have that. i need to start working on myself in a way that i can be more selfless and keep no barrier on perspective in order to stop doing the things that i don't realize i really do. keeping an eye out. i need to be entirely, completely honest with not only myself, but every single person around me, in every single way, because if i'm not something will fuck up and somewhere will fuck up and it'll only create something that i don't want. i need to start being a real person and getting back to how i once was, mixed up with some of the things i am and think now. you know? self improvement to become better in a sense that i'll be happier when i keep up my motivation. and ambition. and strengths. and remember my weaknesses. in short... i'm sorry to everyone i unintentionally fuck with. i don't mean to. i promise i don't.
new start new start new start. everything is about to change in the biggest way my life has changed to date. terrifying and stressful and ultimately intimidating as fuck but i think i just have to get a better hold on remembering what i think is right and realizing what's right and wrong and being alive and living life instead of letting it just sort of happen around me. there are amazing people in my life and amazing opportunities and amazing everythings! figuring things out is just the process that goes along with it all. maaaaaaan! i'm okay. i'll be okay. you'll be okay. everything is, has been and will always be beautiful.

i know what i need to improve

i know i know i know


all day i've been on and off watching mystery/murder/crime solving shows on tv. a few have been about serial killers. a few have been about just fucked up crazy graphic homicides. what the fuck, haha. think of the mind set someone would have to somehow get themselves in being a serial murderer. one killed like 80 hookers and didn't get caught for 20 years, he had a completely normal life with a family and house and career... but he was... a serial hooker murderer. hahaha. but you must have to have such a fucking intense mind and thought process and life if you murdered people. that shit is fuuuuuucked up!
this weekend it's been raining pretty much constantly but that's okay, i don't really mind it. i love rain... so much. on friday kim ayla and i predrank at ayla's apartment then walked to pretty much marda loop to flyod/dave/susie/ryan/i think/whoever else's house warming party. such a big nice weird weird house. it was fun. then kim and i went to the drum and me her kyle scott and blake ended up back at kims place all night. somehow scott disappeared for three hours then showed up with no idea of where he was. we thought he had called a cab. but at 5am he walked into the apartment, hahahaha. sooo confused. soooo great. hahaha. all day i lounged then got dinner and embassy lurked for a while. i was so lazy tonight. i just wanted to sit around and smoke weed, haha. or go to a movie. i want to go to a really good movie soon.
saying things backwards still makes me laugh way too hard then it should. i wish the acting in twilight was good because if that movie was actually done well it could have potential to be super epic.
i'm excited for east coast in a couple months from now. coming up soon. will be the best tiiiiiime. kelllllllly!!!!!!!

Friday, June 5, 2009

i never seem to do anything


i worked yesterday and i work today and that rules. having a job... so good.