tear streaked faces always do the most damage

sitting across from you and you and it breaks my heart spilt up into two that i know that right now right righhhht now is a collection of small moments and fractions of minutes that all build up together into a memory of a last last last time. and it's like the worst thing but the best thing all wrapped up in some sort of sickly dance that struts across my mind every second of every single god damn day in some tiny way or some huge way. i notice it and i don't notice it but no matter what it's always there. it's like when i think back 12 years and i remember how i felt and how i still feel like that and the thought of leaving you alone is the worst thing i could ever imagine doing. ever. in a million years. i could murder a puppy and i could kill thousands but if i ever broke your heart or left you alone or made you anything unhappy like that i don't know what i would do? i am scared and vulnerable and confused. i am scared and vulnerable and confused. i am excited and happy and better than i was a month and a half ago, and i think that's the best thing right now. i'm better than i was. but i'm still sitting here and hearing you somewhere in another room and i can't help but leave and i also can't help but want to stay but i'm leaving. leavinggg. i owe you everything. every single scrap of my existence and i hope i can keep coming closer to understanding how intricate and complex and brilliant and beautiful of a person you really are. sitting in an empty room with half dead electronics and no care for the outside world and a head full of the perfect amount of too many thoughts and so many ups and downs. all we are are a series of chemical reactions and minerals and signals and instincts and reactions. we are not real and i don't know how emotions can be felt. i don't understand.
i wish i had someone to ... i don't know... just... fucking... sit down like a normal person and talk without having the same problems as me and their own fucked up things to deal with. that's selfish. and when i actually think about it i think i'd rather have the people that i love in my life being just as, almost as, or so much more fucked up than i am. i think a normal sustainable and perfect person wouldn't get it...