into you like a train

it's nights where my stomach gets weak and my heart gets weak and i start singing those lines from those songs over in my head because the music's off and your hands are cold and i can see the walls and windows and floors and ceilings but i don't know if i can quite see you yet. that's the problem within this problem is that i just don't know whether to believe you. haven't said a word. haven't said a god daaaaamn word. and i feel bad when i think of it and i feel bad when i think of you but haven't you every heard of self preservation? or self reliance? or self... reliability. think of the relationship every single person has with themselves, the relationship that your subconscious voice builds with your conscious voice and how fucked up that is that MINDS exist. i wanna wrap my legs around you. i wanna make amends for being that person whenever i'm that person and the only real reason i'm saying that is because i know you'll get it somehow. but mostly i just wanna get wrapped up without paying any consequence or paying any respects or paying up in any way. when you scream in my face i just can't help it but brush it aside because at the end of these nights it doesn't really bother me. riding my bike home in the pouring rain through streets that i can comfortably refer to as my home. driving fast and listening to jawbreaker. the secrecy is part of it. the option is the rest. my head feels full but i'm okay to sit and think.