Saturday, October 24, 2009

I AM DERANGED/I AM ESTRANGED

when people, a few, select, certain people... can take the words right out of your mind before you've even allowed them to manifest themselves enough to talk about them. when what you have been against for the past... however long... is what you know what should happen... hey... i've been there too... i know the feeling. when every person you come in contact with amazes you, and astounds you, and completely disgusts you. days when you think a lot, days when you don't think at all. this. will. not. last. forever. these people will not always be here. these people will not always be everything you think of, everything you care about. that's what's fucked up. and it's like family versus friends and it's the family that's been there and the friends you've chosen as family when that family can't be there. it's just that i love you, and i care about you... but i shouldn't. and i can't. even though i don't know that for sure if it's i just know i can help you and save you or if i'm the one that needs saving? i don't know. you make me sad, you make me cry! haha. i just want to see you like when i met you... full of everything. i don't know. god you're special and i've always know that but i just can't seem to figure it out enough.
regulars of 1st street surrounding my life, drum being my home away from home every day, coworkers digging deep holes in my brain. people i should love driving me up the wall. constant homesickness, constant sickness, constant exhaustion, constant fights. i think about the past and i think about the people from it... and how i felt. how i FELT. all of these people from all of these places that are so far from here and so ... seperate from here.. they are the ones that have taught me the most and given me the most perspective. and i'm glad i have that perspective. this city is not everything, these people in this city do not matter as much as you all think they do... everything and everyone is tangible... except for the ones you filter out and find comfort in. you know? tangible being. tangible beings. there is so much more out there. so much more. so much difference... so many other things to think about, and things to see, and things to do.. and things to just... i don't know. it drives me fucking crazy when i hear people talk and talk about their perspective when they haven't seen anything or done anything that actually affects you and changes you and knocks and ounce of REAL sense into your head. fuck. i'm tired of too much/too many people. i wish i wasn't. sick of being tired tired of being sick.
i hate selfishness more than anything. i hate being let down so much. i hate seeing people disintegrate. i hate lie after lie. i hate gossip. i hate hating.
i just feel, and always have felt for as long as i can remember feeling anything, that separateness is a big part of me, and i tend to understand things... differently than most people i come across... and it fucks with me. i find myself ending up thinking different things than what i should probably be thinking. and i never know if what i perceive to be happening is what actually is happening.
i am drunk, for sure. sitting in my living room waiting for a crowd of people to show up at my house. it's 2:40 in the morning and i work tomorrow. too much makes me way too angry, too many people make me way too angry, everything gets to me but nothing affects me all at once. i don't get it.
solitary solitary solitary i can't figure it out.

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