all i want to say is this could be okay. i don't want to be a slave i just want to spend my days wandering through the haze your voice to lead the way

i just spent the last hour reading the craziest medicinal, real, true facts about things that i have done. and that's fucked up. i think from now on i'm going to read a lot more about a lot more stuff. it feels really good to be informed. knowledge = power. knowledge = mind. mind = power. you gotta protect your mind above all things. it's the only thing that keeps you linked to the life around you. if your mind is gone then you're gone. it doesn't matter how physically pretty people think you are. it doesn't matter where you work. where you live. what you do. as long as you can think it all through and react and feel and live and auuuuuuuugh why does everything completley amaze me but in the same way scare me? scare isn't the right word. but it's getting there. i haven't smoked weed in a couple days and everything is so different, hahaha. not necessarily thinking clearer, just thinking in a different way. but i have so much weed right now.
today i finished the piece i was working on on pulp fiction. it's fucking weird. everything i do turns out in some way completley fucking weird. haha. my nails and fingers are constantly disgusting. permanannnnntely stained with ink and paint. it just never comes off anymore. i can not touch a canvas for a week straight but my hands will still be black and blue. ha.
my body is starting to fail hard again. something is wrong with me but i don't know what. it feels like i felt a year and a half ago... and that's not good. not good at all. i have a doctors appointment on friday.

i used to have a heart worth a billion bucks now it's shitty shoddy cheap. sell it in my sleep for the fakes to eat while they kiss my ass and tell me what i need.


i'm going to go to edmonton next month. i need out of calgary even if it's only for a weekend. soo badly. i'm going to go to edmonton by myself and not talk to anyone for a few days. i'm going to go there and spend my time with good people. in particular good person. i need to sit and talk about nothing at all but everything at once with someone who gets it. it's weird. somehow i know you get it.